


Stone Cold

by septiceyesweetheart



Category: CrankGameplays - Fandom, jacksepticeye, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Other, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-01 16:11:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 33,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10925361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/septiceyesweetheart/pseuds/septiceyesweetheart
Summary: It’s astonishing how quickly things can change. Just when Bella Santiago starts to believe that everything will be okay, it all gets taken away from her. Her boyfriend of ten months, Mark Fischbach, breaks up with her before she could even see it coming. So when Bella loses all the progress she made, she has to start from square one and build herself from the ground up. Luckily, her friend Jack moves back in with her just before she could really lose herself. But will that be enough for Bella to better herself? Or will there be more people and other factors to help motivate her?





	1. august.

**Author's Note:**

> Bella's song choice: These Four Walls by Little Mix

I couldn’t remember the last time I heard a knock on my door. I hadn’t had any visitors in a long while. I figured it was probably a package I forgot I ordered, so I pushed myself out of bed. This was one of the few things that got me moving these days, aside from aching hunger and thirst. I went over and stood at the door until I heard footsteps indicating that the mailman had left.

 

But instead, there was another knock. It made my heart pound and send adrenaline down my veins. Who could possibly want to see me? Was I getting evicted? Did my ex come back to give me another box of my belongings? I took a deep breath and forced myself to look through the peephole. To be honest, the amount of time it took me to do that simple action that any normal human could do should have been long enough for that person to deem I wasn’t home and just leave. But he was still there, and once I caught a glimpse of him I quickly rushed to answer the door.

 

I had been crying on and off for the last few weeks. I was very sensitive to every little thing, and this particular thing wasn’t so little. Going by that logic, I flung myself into my friend Jack’s arms and pretty much lost it.

 

He didn’t hesitate or bat an eyelash. He just held me while I tried to get my shit together. I hadn’t been held like this in a long while. I didn’t have any sort of comfort except for spending more money than I actually had. But to have Jack here made me feel so much better, despite the fact that I was sobbing like a baby. He just let me, because he knew what had happened in the last month. I had spent countless nights crying to him over the phone, venting to him from thousands of miles away. That was another thing that got me up and moving as well.

 

“Come on, Bella,” he softly told me, closing the door behind him.

 

“Okay,” I breathed out, wiping my tears away. “Okay…”

 

“It’s okay… you’ve been holding that in for a while, haven’t you?”

 

I nodded. “I just needed a hug.”

 

“I’m glad I’m here then.”

 

We went over and sat on the couch. I grabbed the tissues from the coffee table and wiped the mess on my face. Once I had composed myself, it really occurred to me that Jack was here. Here in Los Angeles, California, in my apartment, and I had received no indication of it prior.

 

The last time I saw him was over a month ago, during Vidcon. I mean, I didn’t go to the convention due to sheer anxiety, given that it was just after Christina Grimmie passed  _ and  _ the tragedy in Orlando. Jack came by my apartment to see me, but it was cut very short because of his schedule. It was before the breakup, so I was okay with him leaving so abruptly. But now, I wasn’t sure what made him come all this way. Surely, it wasn’t because of me and the mess I’ve become.

 

“What are you doing here?” I asked him, my voice trembling slightly.

 

“You haven’t been online, have you?” he asked in response.

 

It was true. It only took one mention of it from me for mine and Mark’s followers to go insane. I didn’t want to face any backlash, or any words of comfort. I didn’t want to see adorable little gif edits of me and Mark. I didn’t want to see the tag “relationship goals” on pictures of us. I didn’t want to see sad edits of us, or people expressing their sad feelings about the breakup. I didn’t want to see the theories on this Amy Nelson girl and what the internet thought of her. I didn’t stay online long enough to see responses to my tweets, reblogs, or even my videos. I didn’t want to feel anything, I just wanted to avoid it all.

 

Because of that, I missed a lot of Jack’s videos. I knew if I went on YouTube, I would definitely end up binging on Mark’s videos instead and just make myself sad again. Not that I wasn’t sad before. Then YouTube would turn into Tumblr, then Twitter, and so on.

 

Jack shifted in his seat, averting eye contact. Now that I was looking at his face, he looked different. He looked how I felt.

 

“Yeah… it seems like we’ve both had bad breakups.”

 

If my heart wasn’t already broken…

 

“Jack, I’m so sorry,” I told him sincerely. “When did this happen?”

 

“It was only about a week or two ago. I haven’t really talked about it with anyone personally, but I did touch on it in a video,” he explained. “You know, just to let everyone know.”

 

I linked my arm with his and lied my head on his shoulder. The gravity of the situation was setting in. Here we were, two broken hearts. Here we were, in the same place at the same time, feeling the same feelings.

 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” I asked.

 

“No… not yet,” he replied. “Do  _ you  _ wanna talk about it?”

 

“Mmm… no. We should plan for that.”

 

“What? A huge crying session?”

 

I chuckled lightly. “Why not? We’ll have ice cream and tequila.”

 

“Make it whiskey and you have a deal.”

 

The fact that he chose alcohol over ice cream said a lot. He was in a pretty bad spot. I had to be here for him now. I had to be a good friend to him.

 

If only I could get out of my own dark hole…

 

“So you’re here because of your breakup?” I asked after some silence.

 

“No, it didn’t fuck me up  _ that  _ much,” he said. “YouTube University is still going on, so I signed up for some classes.”

 

Oh, right. The school board made a huge deal about shutting down campus after the last spring semester, only to end up not doing it at all. All the protests and petitions made them crack in the end. That was the last thing I remember reading about before I made my online appearance scarce. Class registration went up at one point, and I missed all the deadlines.

 

“And,” Jack continued, “I think I need to be around friends. I miss everyone too much.”

 

Oh, right. Jack has other friends. And a schedule. And a stable life.

 

I sat up and unlinked our arms. I feared the answer to my next question, but I took a deep breath. “So where did you come from just now?”

 

“Um… I came from Mark’s house.”

 

My heart sank. I could know about everything my ex was up to, just through Jack. I could find out about Amy. I could know if Mark was happy with her, if he forgot about me.

 

“Does… does he know you’re here?”

 

“Yeah, his friend Tyler dropped me off here… and I know you’re going to ask. Are you sure you wanna hear about all of that?”

 

I thought about it, but decided against it. I felt like having anything to do with my ex would make that crying session start sooner than planned. All I knew was that Matt and Ryan did end up quitting, and that’s only because I was there when it happened. Mark’s new editor happened to be friends with his… Amy. That was probably how they met.

 

“So I’m taking the semester off,” I said, changing the subject. “I’ll probably go back to YTU in the spring. Maybe.”

 

“Really?” Jack was surprised. “How come?”

 

I shrugged, lying my head back on his shoulder. “Not really up for it. Don’t feel like being around people.” Truth is, I thought I was going to be dead before September so I didn’t bother with class registration. I decided not to share that information with Jack.

 

“Bella, you know that’s not good for you,” he told me. “Have you even stepped outside since the breakup?”

 

Once, when I was sent to the hospital. Again, not sharing that with Jack.

 

“For therapy,” I replied simply.

 

“Oh, come on Bellers. You need to be around people. I know you’re sad and it hurts, believe me. But slowly, we’re gonna get you out of this.”

 

“But what about you?” I asked in response. “You know how I feel. Don’t tell me you don’t wanna sink into the ground and be sad too.” I didn’t want to get out of this hole. It was all I knew. It was all I had.

 

“I do,” Jack admitted. “There’s been plenty of days where I just want to give up, even more so without Signe. But I’m keeping myself occupied and giving myself reasons to remain motivated.”

 

Motivation? Don’t know her.

 

“Now, I’m not saying you have to go to YTU this semester,” he told me. “But there are going to be events and things happening, and I want you to go to those with me. We’ll take baby steps until we actually feel like being people again. Okay?”

  
I nodded, even though it sounded terrible. I just wanted to stay confined in the four walls of my bedroom.


	2. september.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella's song choice: Stone Cold by Demi Lovato

I swear, the amount of people now attending YouTube University had tripled compared to last semester. You would think, with how last-minute the decision was to keep the place open, that there would be less people. The line of cars trying to get into the parking lot was spilling out into the highway. Buses containing international students were lined up at the roundabout in front of the main office. It felt like things were going nowhere.

 

Like last semester, I would be giving Jack rides to and from campus, and he would be staying at my house. The only issue was that he chose classes that started at eight in the morning (video production, gym, music theory, and web design - things he would have liked to take last semester), and I wasn’t used to getting out of bed so early. Needless to say, I was grumpy and mildly reckless on the road.

 

“Can you get off with me?” Jack asked, and I groaned. “Please? Just get a little sunlight and then you can go home. Please, Tiny Ball?”

 

I rolled my eyes and eventually found a parking space. The things I’ll do for this guy, especially when he gives me cute nicknames.

 

When I first started attending YTU back in 2014, it was crowded. I could recognize several vloggers that I didn’t necessarily watch. Now, I didn’t recognize anybody. I saw a few familiar faces, people I was too shy to approach,but the rest were new generation vloggers. I walked close to Jack, knowing that a place this crowded was sure to set me off. I wasn’t at the point where I had to grab his hand to get his attention yet, but oh boy, was it coming.

 

Then, to make things even more fun, people started approaching Jack. It was people he knew, like Suzy. Then it was Marzia. Holly. Ross. Arin. I wasn’t sure if I spoke to them at all, except for when Jack would introduce me. That was a sure fire sign that I had to get out of there.

 

But I stood in line with Jack, like a good friend. He was waiting to get his schedule and dorm key. It was more inconvenient than last semester, when we all had to print everything out online and get our room keys mailed to us. YouTube University was bringing back the things they did before the impending shut down, but it seemed like with the amount of people attending now, some things were bound to come apart.

 

“I think my dorm is gonna be my office,” Jack said in thought. “Start fresh, make a new set up. I get to rebuild my computer, that’s gonna be fun. And once it’s all done, you can use the space too, Bellers.”

 

“Cool,” I replied, but I felt like I was a million miles away.

 

“I mean, you let me use your space, the least I could do is return the favor.” He turned to look at me, and then his smile dropped. “Do you have to go?”

 

I nodded lightly. Everything was getting louder and more cramped.

  
“Do you need me to go with you?”

 

I shook my head. “Sorry. I’ll find my way back…”

 

Jack asked me if I was sure, and I said yes. Then I was off. 

 

For some reason, I couldn’t stop thinking about the heat. It was still ninety degrees in LA, and I was resenting it. I couldn’t wear long sleeves or large hoodies to hide myself in. I had to wear makeup on my wrists and upper thighs and constantly tend to it. I felt way more exposed than I ever have, even more so now that Jack was living with me again.

 

A giant sigh of relief came out of me as soon as I was back in the car. Finally, I was alone, and I could go home now. I rested my head on the steering wheel, hoping in the back of my head that someone would accidentally crash into me. Lose control of the car, push me right into the wheel.

 

“Stop it,” I spoke to myself. I took another deep breath before sitting up.

 

Then, before I could even think about calming down, my stomach dropped. I recognized the car parked directly in front of mine. I knew it all too well, and I hated that I recognized the two people sitting in the front seats. Now I really wanted someone to crash into me.

 

I could avoid all of this ‘Amyplier’ stuff online. But in real life, at a place that is designed for vloggers… Well, that made it harder, even if you were taking a semester off. Seeing Mark get out of his car with this small, skinny blonde girl was enough to set me back to square one again. I found myself tightening my grip on the steering wheel, resisting scratching at my arms.

 

Neither of them saw me. Amy was on her phone, and Mark was looking at her. I could have taken that split second to duck or pretend like I didn’t see them, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from them. Even when Mark looked ahead and met my eyes through the windshield, I was a deer in headlights.

 

His red hair got longer. He had to get it done again, but he didn’t have me to provide that service anymore. He had his own hairdresser on the side, anyway. His smile that was for Amy had disappeared when he saw me. It took Amy a moment to realize what exactly my ex boyfriend was looking at, and her face fell when she did.

 

My eyes didn’t stray as my hand shakily went to the key and turned on the ignition. Once they heard the engine turn over, they walked away. I couldn’t imagine the conversation following this would be like.

 

As soon as they were out of sight, I felt the burning lump in my throat. I didn’t want to do this again, not here. It felt like it would never stop. I tried holding back the crying fit, despite that tears were streaming down already. I couldn’t keep falling apart like this, it wasn’t going to get me anywhere.

 

~

 

_ “Hey guys! This is a bit personal, but I wanted to clear up some of the rumors going around regarding this topic. _

 

_ Bella and I are no longer together. We haven’t been together for a while now. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out in the long run, but there is no tension or bad blood between us. She is an incredibly strong, amazing person who has taught me a lot and helped me become a better man. She is wonderfully talented and deserves so much in life. What she doesn’t deserve are rumors and unfair claims made against her. _

 

_ It would mean the world to me if you checked out her channel and sent her some love!” _

 

~

 

“Bella, no!” Jack warned.

 

He was holding my laptop hostage, but he didn’t get my phone in time. I was typing out an angry tweet, ready to destroy my ex. I wanted to expose Mark for all the pain he me through. How dare he think he could fix anything with a Tumblr post? It doesn’t change anything!

 

“Bella, I swear to god,” Jack said, coming towards me.

 

Before I could make the tweet public, his arms went around me. I cried out and struggled in his hold. He told me to drop it, but I resisted. I didn’t know Jack was so strong, or maybe it was because I was trying so hard not to sob hysterically that it was hindering my own strength.

 

“Please, please…” I begged, still struggling. “Let me have this…”

 

“It’s not worth it!” Jack told me as he managed to pry my phone out of my hand, despite my protesting yells.

 

“He’s not fixing anything! He’s just portraying me as some charity case!” I snapped as soon as I was released. “Like ‘sorry for abandoning you, here’s a free promo!’”

 

“Okay, it’s okay,” Jack reassured. “I’m sure those weren’t his intentions.”

 

I wiped my nose with the back of my hand and took a deep breath. No more falling apart. God, the things I wanted to tweet about Mark. I wanted to hurt him, make him feel what I was feeling. 

 

“You okay now?” Jack asked me. He was watching me carefully.

 

“Will I ever be okay again?” I asked in return.

 

“Yes, you will. You have every right to feel sad and angry and hurt. You can’t do reckless things on impulse. It won’t be like this forever.”

 

_ When will it end, though? When will it stop feeling like this? _

 

“You know how I feel, though,” I said. “Don't you ever see Signe and just want to… I don't know, snap?”

 

“I do…” Jack admitted, looking down. “Trust me, I really do sometimes. But I resist that, and I distract myself. That's just what you need: distractions.”

 

Or the sweet mercy of death, but Jack probably knew better.

 

“We gotta help each other through this, Bellers,” he told me. “Do what we can to be there for each other.”

 

He was right. I had to be there for him, too. I couldn't just be a giant mess all the time and have him clean up after. Even if it was all I knew how to do these days, I couldn't fall apart anymore.

 

~

 

“I think I might be okay,” I told my therapist, Helena. “Haven't cried or had any meltdowns in the last week.”

 

Helena looked impressed as she wrote on her clipboard. “Have you found ways to deal with your emotions? I recall you saying that you had a hard time after Mark publicly addressed your situation.”

 

I nodded in agreement. “I did. But Jack - he's living with me again - uh, he got through to me.”

 

“Oh, Jack! The same Jack you were afraid of when you first met?” Helena asked.

 

That felt like such a long time ago. “Yeah. He came back for YTU. He's also going through a breakup right now, so we're kind of leaning on each other.”

 

“Oh, I see. How has your relationship progressed?”

 

I thought about it. Throughout all of the shit that has been going on in my life recently, it was good to find that I had a confident answer.

 

“He's my best friend. He's the only person who's stuck with me, and I've only known him for a few months. I don't think I've gotten so close to someone so fast before. Like, I thought he was going to stop talking to me when Mark left. But he stayed. He's the only person I've got right now.”

 

Helena was nodding intently and writing on her clipboard. “Well, it's good that you have someone to help you get through this. And… forgive me if this is disrespectful in any way but, has there been any romantic attraction between you and Jack?”

 

Ah, she sounded like my Twitter mentions. At least she wasn't asking just to push my buttons.

 

“No,” I replied. “We've actually had that conversation before. I think that only happened because people online constantly talk about us being a couple. And like, some people think we should be together, or that I cheated on Mark with Jack when that's not the case.”

 

“So you've talked about being a couple, but there isn't any romantic tension?” Helena paraphrased.

 

Didn't realize how it was going to sound. “Yes. I think if we were meant to be a couple, we would have been dating by now. I think my breakup with Mark wouldn't have been as painful if I had feelings for Jack. Like, I could date him if we were living another life. That's what we say. He's kinda like the one that got away, but I never even had him like that to begin with.”

 

Helena smiled. “So, in a way, you and Jack were meant to meet and be in each other's lives. No matter what life you're living in, no matter what point in time it is, your paths will cross.”

 

It seemed to click as she said it. “Yes. I think so.”

 

I hadn't had a session that left me thinking so hard in a while. I wished I could fully remember the conversation Jack and I had at The Tube a million years ago. I couldn't remember if any underlying emotions were revealed aside from the platonic ones.

 

There was also a reason why Jack and Signe broke up. I didn't know this reason yet, and I wasn't sure if I should have been nervous. I mean, I was always nervous for no good reason, but still. They broke up out of nowhere and then Jack just flew himself to the States not long after.

 

I made it back home in time for dinner. Since moving back in, Jack had taken it upon himself to restock my refrigerator. When he first saw how empty my kitchen had gotten over time, I had to admit that my own depression affected my appetite and motivation to buy more food. Now, he was in charge of cooking meals because “crackers aren't real food, Baller!” I couldn't help but wonder if that was because he was a good friend or because he was secretly madly in love with me.

 

“How was therapy?” he asked from the stove when I walked into the apartment.

 

“I didn't cry this time,” I told him, peering into the kitchen, “so that's a step up, I guess.”

 

Jack smiled as he stirred noodles in a pot. “That's good. Are you hungry? I made chicken and pasta.”

 

We prepared our plates and then sat on the couch. I insisted on watching a makeup tutorial on YouTube while we ate, and thankfully Jack went along with it. He was engaged, and asked questions about certain things the artist would do. Again, was he just a good friend or was he in love with me?

 

“Oh, so guess what's happening on campus?” he prompted after a while.

 

“What?”

 

“Homecoming! It's basically like the creator's summit in New York, except it's open for everyone in the student body,” he explained. “There's going to be activities and things for everyone to do, and then at night there's gonna be a dance.”

 

I nearly choked on my pasta. “Really? Now YouTube really feels like high school.”

 

“Doesn't it? Anyway, I want you to go to the dance with me.”

 

Again, nearly choked. Oh no, he's in love with me. I didn't have any romantic feelings for him, though. Oh no, oh  _ no. _

 

“I mean,” he continued when I hadn't replied, “I want you to get out of the house, and I need to also. The dance isn't until early November, so hopefully you'll have time to prepare.”

 

Prepare to fall in love with him? Could I love Jack on a more-than-friends level? Maybe. I suppose I wouldn't knock it. Maybe this was the life where we would be together. Maybe this is what's meant to happen.

 

“Obviously we'd be going as friends,” he added. “The internet might take that a different way, but the dress code is to match the person you're going with. Still as friends, though.”

 

_ Oh thank god. _

 

“Okay,” I finally said. “So, it's a dance… with a lot of people?”

 

“Yeah, but you'll be with me,” he reassured. “We'll go only for an hour if that makes you more comfortable. Okay?”

  
Right. Why would he be in love with me?


	3. october.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella's song choice: Crybaby by Melanie Martinez

“Why is it so hard to find something decent?” exclaimed my friend, Aria Mercer. Well, I wouldn’t exactly call her a ‘friend.’ More like, ‘I know you well enough to go dress shopping with you, but not enough to tell you my deepest secret.’

 

We had been going to different clothing stores for a majority of the afternoon. Typically, I couldn’t stay out too long due to sensory overload and panic attacks, but I figured I could pop a Xanax I had secretly stashed away a few months prior. I didn’t like having to take medication on a constant basis, only when I really needed it.

 

Aria and I were both going to homecoming, and we were lacking in the fancy dress department. One thing we had in common besides the facts that we were both Mexican and from the same home town, was that we were terrible at shopping for clothes. Usually, our other friend (or ‘former classmate’ for me), Sophie Jensen, would accompany us to things like this, but she sat this one out. I knew exactly why, and I didn’t really miss her.

 

“I know,” I replied, mindlessly shifting through the racks. “I hate too many patterns. Too many sequins, too many colors! Where’s all the black?”

 

“Ah, you feel me,” Aria said. “I just need a little black dress and I’m good to go.”

 

“Ooh, speaking of…” I spotted an ashy black-grey color in the rack and grabbed it. I pulled out a black halter top dress with a simple rhinestone pattern at the waist.  _ “¿Que opinas?” _

 

Aria’s eyes looked up and down at the article of clothing. “If you don’t get that dress, I will.”

 

I smiled and then went to try it on. I had managed to talk Jack into an all black attire. It was the only color I was comfortable in (apart from my hair; black and faded pink ombre) and he felt like it would hint at what was going on on his channel.

 

The dress went down to my knees, and the skirt was nice and flowy when I twirled. It had enough neck space to where I could pair it with a choker. I definitely wasn’t going to find a better dress solely because I was stubborn and I wanted to get home as soon as possible.

 

Once I got out of the dressing room, I found Aria coming out of one of the stalls. She was wearing a short, tight, black dress with long lace sleeves. Now, I actually had to stop and stare for a second because  _ damn.  _

 

“What do you think?” she asked, practically calling me out on my gaping.

 

“I-It’s nice,” I said in what I thought was a casual way. “It’ll knock ‘em dead.”

 

“Really?” Her eyes lit up, but she quickly went timid. “I mean… I lowkey want to grab someone’s attention. Kinda wanna tease them, y’know?”

 

My heart started to race. Oh god, where was this going?

 

“C-Can I ask who?” It came out before I could control it.

 

“Just my ex,” Aria said, sighing. “It’s kinda stupid because like, it’s been like almost a year since we broke up and I also haven’t seen him in months.”

 

I was mostly relieved, but slightly disappointed.

 

“Well… have you talked to him lately?” This felt a little personal all of a sudden. I didn’t realize I was on this level with Aria. Then again, I did check her out without even thinking about it.

 

“No, that’s why it seems dumb,” she explained. “And he’s only going to be here for the weekend, anyway.” Her shoulders slumped as she went back into the stall.

 

_ “Pues… compralo de todos modos,”  _ I told her. _ “Se te mira bien. _ Do it for yourself. If your ex notices, then good. If he doesn’t, then you’ll still look good, and he’ll be missing out!” And honestly, if I was tipsy and confident at homecoming, I would probably end up being the one taking her home.

 

She came out of the stall in her regular clothes, dress in hand, and a smile on her face. “You’re right. I’m gonna do it.”

 

~

 

When I was back home, looking at my dress option, I wondered. If Aria was trying to capture her ex’s attention, could I do the same? Could I try to grab Mark’s attention? Show him how hot I am and how I’m not his anymore.

 

I nearly laughed at that thought. Me, Bella Santiago, trying to grab attention? Even worse, trying to get attention from the person who didn’t love me anymore? How unrealistic could I be?

 

This really was high school. I hated it. Even as an adult, you could still get hung up over your ex and still pine after them. However, if you’re like me, you’ll go through extreme lengths to avoid your ex. Dropping out of YTU was one of those lengths. Taking a hiatus from social media was another. Avoiding homecoming at all costs would be another length, but I made a promise to Jack.

 

Needless to say, this was going to be difficult. I had to map out the YTU courtyard and plot out escape routes in case I was too close to Mark. I had to find out what kind of drinks would be served so I could forget the crowds of people surrounding me. I had to know who was going to be there so I could figure out who to avoid. It was irrational and insane, but I had to plan everything out.

 

I had to tell all of this to Jack so he could help me rationalize it, but the month was hectic for him. He was making videos left and right, focusing on the “Antisepticeye” hype. He had much to do with Robin over Skype, which meant that he was spending nights on campus. That also meant he wasn’t here to make sure I ate or slept or actually lived.

 

I was okay with it. I was okay with eating half a granola bar for breakfast and the other half for dinner. I was practically used to sleeping less than three hours a night, only to sleep through the rest of the following day after taking Jack to school. I didn’t want to bother him with my personal problems, especially while he was so busy. Don’t get me wrong, I liked having him here and it felt good to have a roommate again, I just couldn’t burden him.

 

In the meantime, I was pacing around my apartment. I had my sad playlist on blast, but I wasn’t crying or lying on the floor. I kept singing and pacing, and then when that wasn’t enough, I went to my keyboard. I attempted to play  _ Stone Cold  _ but 1) I hadn’t played it since I filmed it for my channel and 2) the lyrics were too damn real for me to sing out loud.  _ “I was your amber but now she’s your shade of gold.”  _ Ouch.

 

Before I knew it, I was walking to the bathroom. Not my en suite bathroom, but Jack’s. I stood at the doorway and stared at the floor. My fingers ran over my sweater sleeve, then over my upper thighs. As I remembered what happened here three months prior, I was almost relieved that the scars weren’t on obvious places, apart from the ones on my wrists. It was easier to hide this from Jack. I didn’t have the heart to tell him what I had done.

 

I stepped inside and sat down on the floor, bringing my knees to my chest. My breathing was strangely steady, given that I was sitting on what could have been my deathbed.

 

Who would have been the one to find me, had my neighbor not heard me fall and then call 911? Would it have been that neighbor? Would it have been Mark when he had returned the key to my apartment? How would my audience have found out? Would there have been a funeral? No one would have shown up, except maybe Jack.

 

I couldn’t leave him. Sure, Jack had plenty of other friends, but I felt guilty having to leave him. I couldn’t tell him that I tried to kill myself. Mark hadn’t told him either, which I was semi-thankful for. What would Jack say if he knew?

 

He’s the only person who was still in my life. That was both sad and comforting. He was my friend, but how long would it be before he grew tired of me? There had to be a point where he couldn’t handle my depressed ass anymore. Surely he was only my friend because I didn’t have any other person in my life.

 

The only way I knew how to distract myself from these thoughts was through makeup. Better yet, I went back to my room and set up my camera and lights. Then I grabbed various makeup products from my bathroom. It was October, so what was the only seasonally appropriate thing to film?

 

“Hey it’s Bella. Today, I’m going to try to do some sort of Halloween makeup,” I explained. “Um, I’m not sure what the fuck I’m gonna do… Maybe something simple like… Harley Quinn.” As soon as I said it, that’s what I wanted to do. “Yeah, that’ll work. Let’s do it!”

 

Since I hadn’t prepared ahead of time, I improvised with face makeup. Normally I would put a lot of thought into every product prior to filming, but I was trying to create a distraction for myself, and my mind was too foggy to think about anything else.

 

I used a light concealer in the place of foundation, I didn’t really bother with contouring or highlight. I used glitter shadows for my eyes, which made red and blue glitter fly all over the place.

 

“Go nuts with Halloween looks, guys,” I said as I dragged the colors past my eyes. “I’m using glittery eye shadow because I’m a slut for glitter. Put your own spin on things. That’s the beauty of makeup.”

 

At one point I was just getting messy. It was almost obvious that I was being reluctant. Therefore, I felt the need to explain myself.

 

“I know it seems like I’m jumping the bandwagon,” I said, “but to be honest, I’m not feeling one hundred percent today. I mean, I probably haven’t felt one hundred percent in a while. There’s various reasons behind it… it’s just one of  _ those moods, _ y’know? Anyway, today was particularly shitty, and this was the first thing that came to me to distract myself. I just sat down and filmed without even thinking about it. Like, I know when I watch this back, I’m gonna think of better alternatives to the products I’m using and things I could have said better, but… Oh well.”

 

One thing I was somewhat known for was ranting while doing my makeup. I’ve talked about LGBT+ rights, bisexual pride, and plenty of other things while maintaining a sharp wing. For some reason, it was very shocking to the Internet (and by that I mean, mostly men) that I, a makeup artist, was so educated on things going on in the world. I suppose that was because plenty of beauty gurus didn’t speak of things like that on their channels, and most people expected a review/demo of the latest beauty products instead of a lecture on why stereotypes are absolutely terrible.

 

“You know what,” I said in thought, “let’s talk about that. Let’s talk about _ those moods. _ For me personally, it feels more like a mindset than a mood at the moment. I don’t know. I don’t want anyone to worry though - I’m still seeing my therapist, and my friend Jack moved in with me for the semester. I’m not alone, and this is probably just a bad day or something. I’ve been told that talking it out would be helpful, so I’m just telling you guys that I don’t-slash-didn’t feel like being a person today.”

 

I sighed and put down my blush. Then I grabbed my dipbrow and angled brush and began to fill in my eyebrows.

 

“Like, I wish I had advice to give,” I continued. “I feel like I’m stuck… Um, okay, I guess talking it out is good. Yes, yeah, that’s a good idea. Anything you got on your chest, let it out in the comments. There’s always gonna be someone there to talk to you. Whatever we’ve got going on in our lives, we’ll get through it together.”

 

I finished off the look with a bright red liquid lipstick that I then smudged with the back of my hand. Then I put my long hair in two high ponytails, and that’s when I noticed how much my roots were showing.

 

“Could’ve done a wig,” I said, tightening the tails. “But my hair has some color in it already. And I made this video completely unprepared. And, yes I’m aware I need to dye my hair again. Oh well.”

 

~

 

After posting that tutorial, I was practically spammed with ideas for more costumes and well wishes from my followers. I even got some Twitter DM’s from other vloggers, which was shocking to say the least. Why me?

 

_ “Hey! Wishing you all the best! You’re a strong person, and you’re loved by many!”  _ -Pamela Horton

 

_ “Hiiii, just letting you know I saw your Harley Quinn tutorial and that I think you’re so brave and strong for sharing your emotions and your story with everyone! I’d love to sit down and chat someday!” _ -Suzy Berhow

 

_ “Hey, I deal with anxiety a lot too, I know where you’re coming from! I think you’re really amazing and strong, and I’d love to talk or even collab with you one day! _ ” -Kathleen Fuentes

 

And even more from other people I secretly looked up to. It was funny that a few months prior, I published a video talking about my coming out process and my anxiety disorder, but my impromptu Harley Quinn tutorial is the one that got a lot of attention. I didn’t really know how to feel about it.

 

Besides that, I felt inspired and distracted by the amount of Halloween requests. I got superheroes, video game characters, and classic costumes. There was only one, however, that stuck with me, and it was a partner costume. I wanted to do this right, so I had to make several online orders, all rushed delivery. I also had to make emergency trips to Sephora and Ulta, but in the end, we had everything together.

 

“Hey, it’s Bella!” I greeted to my camera. “Today, I have my friend Jack here, and we’re going to turn into the brother and sister from Melanie Martinez’s ‘Dollhouse’ music video! We’ll be going over hair, makeup, and costumes. And, uh, I’ll link where we got everything in the description.”

 

“We,” Jack repeated, sounding amused.

 

I rolled my eyes and smiled. “Where  _ I  _ got everything. Anyway, let’s get started!”

 

“I’m excited,” Jack said as I gathered the first few items.

 

“I’m gonna take off your eyebrows.”

 

“Oh…”

 

I looked at him, amused by his reaction. I was already feeling confident about this video.

 

Using a gluestick, some foundation, and some powder, I managed to cover up a majority of Jack’s eyebrows. He was amazed at the result, and he also laughed at how funny he looked in the viewfinder. 

 

“Oh wait,” I said in realization. “You have a beard! You’re supposed to look like a porcelain doll!”

 

“I can be a doll with a beard!” he argued.

 

We shared a look for a few seconds before I rolled my eyes and continued with my work. I applied a very pale, full coverage foundation to make it look smooth and flawless. Then I drew on his new eyebrows with a pencil, much thinner and more doll-like. That alone made Jack look like a completely different person.

 

“Who even are you?” I wondered. “What have I done?”

 

“So this is what I look like with small eyebrows,” Jack said.

 

I continued on with his face, contouring his face and applying blush. It was coming together nicely.

 

“Have you ever listened to Melanie Martinez?” I asked him after a while.

 

“Yeah, you showed my ‘Crybaby,’” he replied. “The whole album, not just the song.”

 

“Which song is your favorite?”

 

“Hmm…” Jack went silent for a second before singing out, “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to!”

 

“Oh my god, same! That song is my life! So is ‘Crybaby!’ And ‘Dollhouse!’ And ‘Sippy Cup!’”

 

“The whole album is your life.”

 

I finished up with his face, and then things got a little difficult. See, Jack has sensitive eyes, and he wasn’t used to the pains of makeup. It took a good ten minutes to apply white eyeliner to his waterline. Adding false lashes was even harder because he kept blinking and squeezing his eyes shut. After getting them properly glued on, I styled his hair. A side part and some gel put the whole look together.

 

“Okay, so wait until I’m done with my makeup, and then we’ll put on the costumes,” I told him once I was finished.

 

My look was a bit more complicated. It was a cut crease eye look with a whole lot of glitter. I had to draw my lips a certain way, and add freckles to my face. Then I had to put my hair into tight curls and add a ridiculously large white bow on top.

 

The costumes were the icing on the cake. For Jack, he had a white button up, black suspenders, a black bowtie, and black dress pants and shoes. I wore a pink sailor dress, knee high socks, and black and white oxford shoes.

 

Then I set up the camera and lights facing a wall in the living room so I could get full body shots. Jack stood against the wall, hands in his pockets.

 

“Keep your face blank,” I told him. “Channel your inner angsty teen.”

 

He pretty much scowled. I made the same face when it came to my solo shots. Then we stood next to each other, hoping that we looked cute, but creepy.

 

“We look so fucking cool,” Jack said after a while. “I can’t believe you knew how to do all this. Actually, I can, ‘cause you’re Bella.”

  
I chuckled, but I did appreciate his words. I couldn’t ever leave him.


	4. november pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella's song choices: Shoutout to My Ex by Little Mix, Hair by Little Mix

I wasn’t sure what was getting more attention: my tutorial with Jack, or his Antisepticeye Halloween finale. I mean, Jack always got millions of views on his videos. Why did I even have to think about it?

 

The most I was getting was more tweets from other YouTubers and people from Jack’s community. I received a lot of compliments on the Dollhouse tutorial, which made me happy and even more proud of it. For the last bit of October, it brought me out of my depressive mood. I didn’t expect it to last, given that I wasn’t entirely content. I wasn’t exactly sad, either. It was an empty but chill feeling. I felt good about my success, and how my YouTube channel was taking off. But I still felt down about certain things, like the breakup, my crippling loneliness, and just life in general. Naturally, that wore off and was replaced with crippling anxiety because homecoming was just around the corner.

 

I was still dreading the whole thing, and planning my makeup look wasn’t helping anymore. I was starting to lose sleep over it. I was considering going back on Xanax just for this occasion. I was spending money on various beauty products I knew I wasn’t going to use. I was typing on my laptop with shaking hands, and then I went to another site in between purchases.

 

The hashtag “ytuhomecoming” was starting to circulate on Twitter, and the only good it did for me was telling me which intimidating vloggers would be going. Well, all of the more successful vloggers were intimidating to me, and plenty of them were definitely attending the dance. I was debating taking a shot for every YouTuber I was afraid of, but then I was sure to die from alcohol poisoning.

 

_ Actually… _

 

“Baller!” called Jack, who was finally home from recording.

 

I jumped at the sound of his voice, my intrusive thought immediately cutting itself off. I wandered out of my room, finding Jack placing his backpack on the sofa.

 

“Hey, how’d it go?” I asked, leaning against my doorway.

 

“It was good. The bus is weird. I’m tired now, but still full of energy.” He moved side to side, doing a little dance.

 

“You know, I’m starting to think you’re taking all of my energy,” I joked, watching his movements.

 

“I have enough energy for the both of us,” he corrected. “I do all the moving in this relationship.”

 

I giggled. “And I do all the sleeping.”

 

Jack pulled his phone out of his pocket and went to connect it to the small speakers I had on the coffee table. “Pick a song.”

 

“What kind of song?” I asked.

 

“Something jumpy and dancey.”

 

I told him the name and artist, and he quickly searched for it with a smile on his face. “Of course you would go for Little Mix,” he commented before the song started playing.

 

_ “This is a shoutout to my ex, heard he in love with some other chick _

_ Yeah, yeah, that hurt me I’ll admit _

_ Forget that boy, I’m over it” _

 

Immediately, I started singing along, bopping my head to the tune. Jack held his hands out to me, encouraging me to come and dance with him. He was persistent, so I took his hands and timidly began moving from side to side. Once I got over the shyness, it turned out to be really liberating. Here we were, two single people repressing our emotions while dancing to a song about shitty exes.

 

_ “You made my heart break and that made me who I am!”  _ I sang as I jumped around the living room.  _ “Here’s to my ex, hey look at me now!” _

 

Jack was trying to sing along, but he didn’t know the words as well as I did. He did frequently make his arms in the shape of an X over his face every time the word ‘ex’ was used. But then, he suddenly stopped dancing and placed his hands over his eyes. Then he plopped down on the couch, slumping over, his shoulders shaking.

 

I quickly paused the music and sat down next to him. Honestly, I expected one of us to crack, and I thought the first one would be me.

 

“I miss her so much,” he whispered.

 

My heart breaking, I placed my arm around him. I was at a loss for words. But he had plenty to say.

 

“I-I don’t know what to do w-without her… she doesn’t want to t-talk to me. She just left without telling me… I don’t know what to do…” His voice cracked on the last words, and he hunched over even more.

 

Left with no warning? I couldn’t imagine Signe being like that. Then again, I never thought I would see Jack break down like this.

 

“What happened?” I asked, cowering internally in case I accidentally hit a nerve.

 

Jack sniffed and sat up straighter. His eyes were red from all the tears. He looked so devastated, so unlike himself. It was painful to watch.

 

“I don’t even know where it began,” he spoke, his voice shaking. “We argued about dumb shit, then she started getting distant. I thought she just wanted some space, I didn’t think she would fly to fucking Denmark overnight. And then fucking dump me over a text.”

 

“No fucking way,” I said in disbelief. “Why did she have to leave like that?”

 

“She’s avoidant,” Jack explained. “I mean, I didn’t know she would go as far as leaving the fucking country. I thought she was getting better with being distant… but she never liked to face problems head on.”

 

I hated thinking like this but… _ if that ain’t me. _

 

“What were you guys arguing about that made her leave?” I wondered.

 

Jack sighed, wiping his nose with his sweater sleeve. “Different things. The future, moving, mostly moving. Especially since I was traveling a lot for YTU. The first time I left really hit her, but she never told me until I was planning to go back. I told her to come with me, but she said she already did enough moving when she left Denmark for Ireland. I understood that, what I don’t understand is why I woke up the next morning with her and all her things gone.”

 

“And you still came here regardless?”

 

“I was ready to drop out of YTU for her. I was going to talk about it with her, but she was already gone. I tried explaining to her what I was willing to do to make things work. But instead, she broke up with me. Said it was too late, and that I was more in love with my career than her. Afterwards, I just felt really alone… so I registered for classes and came here.”

 

I didn’t know what to tell him. We were both abandoned in different ways. I could barely cope with my own, how could I help Jack? What could I say to make it better?

 

“I’m so sorry,” I told him. “I can’t believe she did that…”

 

“Me either.”

 

We were both silent for a while. What else could be said about this situation? I felt just as helpless as he did.

 

“So Signe left you because she didn’t want to deal with your problems,” I said, “and Mark left me because he fell for someone else.”

 

“Pretty much,” Jack concluded.

 

~

 

The week leading up to homecoming was filled with many deliveries from many places. I do a lot of online shopping when I get nervous. Or when I’m depressed. I was sure Jack had noticed that I got three packages delivered on the same day, but he never said anything. Most times, he was in class or in his office on campus, so I had plenty of time to stash the boxes and bubble wrap. At the same time, I was running out of space in my bathroom for all my makeup purchases. At least I had plenty of options for my homecoming makeup look.

 

I was good at ignoring my frequent shortness of breath. I didn’t worry about it because it usually happened right before anxiety inducing events, like going to the store or driving somewhere I wasn’t familiar with. My appetite was affected also, but I made sure to keep my stomach occupied with bottles of water, and sometimes a granola bar. It was easy to hide my trembling hands too; I just had to frequently fidget with my phone whenever I was around Jack. It was hard to keep myself from clenching my jaw, though, except for when I chewed gum. Sleep was out of the question, too.

 

But I had done things like this before. I could handle it. I mean, did I spend every waking moment with this feeling of impending doom? Yes. Was I completely dreading the dance and facing all my significantly more successful colleagues, along with my ex? Oh, absolutely. Was I only doing this because Jack had asked me to? Yes…

 

He was excited. This is what he came here for. He wanted to be around his friends and spend time with them. I was one of his friends, as well as his date to this cheap, high school-esque thing. The things I’d do for this man…

 

On the day of the event, I sat in my bathroom and glared at my reflection. My hands were clutching the ends of the counter for dear life. I had been in here all day, telling Jack that I needed all the time I could get getting ready. My hair was already done, simple waves and an equally simple high ponytail that took only about two or three hours.

 

The anxiety had been coming in waves all day, and it was currently hitting me, which was why I was angry at myself. I tried taking deep breaths, I tried to slow down. Mark would always tell me to take it one step at a time, but thinking about him made me tear up. The one person who could calm me down now made me want to crawl into a hole and hide.

 

My stomach turned as I remembered that he was going to be at the dance with Amy on his arm. I shut my eyes and placed my hand over my mouth, trying hard not to sob out loud. I couldn’t let Jack know how unstable I was about this whole thing. I didn’t want to dampen his happy mood.

 

I sniffed and wiped my eyes, trying to pull myself together. I pulled out one of my eyeshadow primers from the drawer, intending to start my makeup like I usually did. It was difficult due to the tears. Difficult, but not impossible. I just had to keep telling myself that.

 

Here’s another thing I do when I get nervous: I overdo it with the makeup. Typically I avoid intense, bright pigments, false eyelashes, and cream contouring but today, I felt the need to go all out. Good thing the dress code was to match your date, because I went to town with the bright green pigment I had picked out. I used that single color and blew it out on my eyelids, and then I added green glitter. The wings I created were actually impressive, given how shaky my hands were. I felt better by the time I had finished with my eyes.

 

I looked pretty great once I finished with my face entirely. It was ironic, actually.

 

“Bella!” called Jack from my bedroom. “How long until you’re ready?”

 

I checked the time on my phone. I had spent over an hour on my makeup, which added to the large amount of time I had spent on my hair. I hadn’t spent so long getting ready in quite a while. I could only hope I hadn’t made us late.

 

“Not long!” I called back, dashing out of the bathroom to grab my dress.

 

However, I stopped in my tracks, when I found Jack standing in the doorway. He was wearing a clean black suit and his glasses. My eyes traveled down his figure, impressed.

 

“Do I look okay?” he asked, noticing my gawking. “Is this black enough for you?”

 

I cracked a smile. “It’s not as black as my soul, but it’ll do.”

 

He rolled his eyes, amused. “So I look good?”

 

“Amazing.”

 

I grabbed my dress from where I lied it out on the bed and then went back into the bathroom to change. I looked in the mirror, unable to shake the crippling anxiety. All I had to do was survive the drive over to campus and then I could drink the nerves away. That, and I couldn’t let Jack leave me alone for too long.

 

Before going to meet my date, I turned my neck from side to side, making the bones pop. It helped relieve the tension in my neck and shoulders, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to fully relax until I had a freaking margarita in my hand. I quickly left the bathroom, pulled on my heels, and then went to find Jack in the living room.

 

He stood up from the couch upon my entrance, and he smiled. “Look at you.”

 

For some reason, that didn’t help the anxiety. I looked down at my dress. “Do I look bad?”

 

“Of course not, you’re beautiful!” he told me, approaching me. “I have a present for you.”

 

My eyes widened. “Were we supposed to get each other presents? Shit, I mean, I-”

 

“Oh no, no! This is just for you, because I know you get nervous at big events like this.” He reached into the inner pocket of his blazer and pulled out a black, glittery flask. “It’s tequila. I know they’ll have an open bar at the dance, but I just wanted to thank you for actually doing this, despite how hard it is for you.”

 

For the first time in weeks, I felt myself physically relax. “You get me.”

 

~

 

You would think it was some kind of movie premiere with how the front of the university was set up. There was a red carpet spilling out of the front office doors. There were barriers set up on either side of the carpet to keep fans in control. Vloggers had to walk down a red carpet to get into the school. If that wasn’t the most extra thing…

 

Jack and I made it through that, only stopping for a few selfies with some fans. One person asked if we were dating, as expected, and I graciously said no. The second we were inside the office, I pulled my new flask out of my purse and took the first drink of the evening. The burning in my throat was my salvation.

 

“You okay?” Jack asked, sounding amused.

 

I replied with a strained “Mhmm,” before shoving the thing back into my purse.

 

“Shall we?” He offered his arm now that we were out of view of the fans, and I gladly accepted.

 

We walked through the back doors of the main office, leading out into the courtyard. It was decorated with balloons, twinkly lights, neon lights, any kind of light. White, circular tables were spread around on either side of the large dance floor. Directly in front of the fountain was a DJ who was blasting music on these giant speakers. There was a mini bar set up with a young looking bartender (probably the same one that worked at The Tube), and a table full of desserts with a giant jug of water. Actual. High school.

 

I gazed around the area, making a mental note of who to avoid. Tyler Oakley: avoid until third drink. Dan and Phil: avoid completely. Felix and Marzia: avoid, unless Jack brings me to talk to them. Shane Dawson: avoid, unless he talks to me first.

 

“Ooo, I see a chocolate fountain,” Jack said, dragging me over to the dessert table.

 

While he consumed all the sweets his body could contain, I took another drink from my flask. I could feel my “avoid” list shrinking as the tequila went through my system. Good thing too, because just as I coveted my maladaptive version of a security blanket, Jack and I were approached.

 

Two guys, one of them I recognized. The taller one, with curly brown hair and a husky, built form was Tyler Scheid. I had never properly met him, but heard plenty about him through Mark in the past. The other one was much shorter, had fading blue hair and these big, adorable glasses perched on his nose. They were both wearing nice red button up shirts and black pants.

 

“Hey! What’s up, guys?” Jack happily greeted them. “You just get here?”

 

“Yeah, Mark and Amy are parking the car,” Tyler replied.

 

“And you’re each other’s dates?” he asked, gesturing to their outfits.

 

“It’s a four way thing,” said the guy with blue hair. “We’re all wearing red. Kathryn was supposed to come too, but she got sick.”

 

“Oh, well this is my date, Bella.”

 

Shit, it starts now.

 

Tyler’s face filled with recognition. “Mark’s Bella?”

 

“Just Bella,” I corrected, holding out my hand. “Nice to meet you!”

 

“Right, sorry,” he said, shaking my hand. “I’m Tyler, I’ve heard a lot about you.”

 

“Ah, same.” I smiled.  _ Thank you tequila. _

 

“I’m Ethan,” greeted the blue boy, going to shake my hand. “I just moved here.”

 

“Oh, well, welcome!”

 

“He’s just getting to know people here,” Tyler added.

 

“I’d definitely love to get to know you,” I said impulsively, gently squeezing Ethan’s hand before letting go.  _ Okay tequila, calm down. _

 

Jack laughed before the awkwardness could take over. Then he changed the subject. “So you said Mark was coming?”

 

“Yeah,” Tyler said before pointing behind me and Jack. “There he is now!”

 

_ Nope. _

 

“I’ll be at the bar,” I announced, quickly excusing myself from the situation.

 

“I’ll come find you in a bit!” Jack called.

 

Once I was at my desired location, I took a seat and ordered that freaking margarita I deserved. Honestly, no amount of alcohol would make me want to be around Mark, let alone Mark and his girlfriend. I did watch them from a distance, though, like the sad sack of shit I was.

 

Mark was wearing a shirt so red that it made his faded hair look orange. Amy was wearing an equally red, slim dress. They each greeted Jack with a hug, looking happy as ever. I saw them conversing, and quickly looked away when Jack gestured to where I was sitting. I was sad. I drank some more.

 

I kept my eyes on the floor as I sipped my drink, and I nearly froze when I saw a pair of feet approach in front of me. I knew it wasn’t Jack, so I hesitated before I looked up.

 

“Hello,” greeted my lovely little ex boyfriend, who was smiling nervously.

 

My straw was still in my mouth, and I sipped even quicker, not even taking my eyes off of him. While I remained silent, he ordered a cocktail, probably for lovely little Amy.

 

“How are you doing?” he asked, sitting in the stool next to me while he waited for his drink to be ready. I didn’t turn to face him.

 

I was honestly surprised at this question. I was also angry. At least I wasn’t anxious anymore. “Why do you care?” I spat.

 

Mark didn’t say anything at first, which made me look at him. I caught him barely taking his eyes off of my arms.

 

“Can you not do that?” I snapped. “Look, I’m fine.”

 

“Yeah, I’ve heard that before,” he said seriously.

 

I rolled my eyes, even more infuriated. How dare he abandon me and then come and ask how I’ve been since then? “You don’t need to babysit me anymore! That’s pretty much why you left, isn’t it?”

 

With that, I made my departure. I stood up, praying I wouldn’t stumble on my heels, and I walked off. I sat down at an empty table, sulking. I looked down at my half empty cup and decided I would need something stronger if I was going to survive the night.

 

“Hey,” greeted a female voice I normally would have jumped at if I was sober.

 

_ “¿Que honda?”  _ I greeted to Aria, who was looking as equally glum as I was.

 

_ “Pinche pendejo ya llegó,” _ she replied as she sat down next to me. She had her own half empty cocktail, and she drained the glass before continuing. “He showed up matching with his best friend! So much for trying to make things work after his tour!”

 

“He told you that?” I asked.

 

“Well, it wasn’t a promise, but I didn’t want any of the shippy, fan service crap,” she explained. “And he told me he would tone it down after he made bank with his tour last year.  _ ¡Pero, miralo! _ I bet Tumblr is going crazy that he came to this fucking thing with his best friend.”

 

“Hmm, I remember the Septiplier shit from my last relationship,” I said. “Which ship did you get stuck with?”

 

“Phan.”

 

My eyes widened and my jaw nearly dropped. _ “Ayy, mija. _ I’m so sorry.”

 

Aria shrugged and rolled her eyes. “It’s nothing. It’s just, y’know one of the reasons we broke up. And now it’s just what’s keeping us apart. No big deal.”

 

I sighed. “If it helps, I just saw my ex with his new girlfriend. And he came and tried to talk to me like nothing was wrong.”

 

“Ouch.” Aria paused and then stood up. “I’m ordering shots, I’ll be right back.”

 

Finally, a woman who understands me!

 

When Aria returned, she had three shots instead of two, and she had Sophie by her side. My mood dropped once again.

 

Sophie, clad in a silver, sparkly maxi dress, smiled and waved awkwardly at me. I returned a mildly bitter smile and said nothing.

 

“Okay, drink up,  _ hijas,” _ Aria said, placing our shots on the table.

 

We each took a small, clear glass of… I didn't know what, clinked, and then drank. Judging by the familiar burn in my throat, it was more tequila. I was fine with that, I had plenty to last me through the night.

 

“Alright, let's go dance!” Sophie suggested, hooking her arm with Aria’s.

 

“Bella, come on!” she offered, gesturing for me to stand up.

 

“No, no, you guys go!” I insisted. “I have to wait for my date, anyway!”

 

“Let's go!” Sophie said to her small friend as she dragged her to the dance floor.

 

I sat back and sighed. I took out my phone and looked on Twitter. There were already pictures of different vloggers together, fans conspiring against whatever ship, and many drunk tweets. I added to that last pile.

 

_ “I am tipsy and lonely lmao how are u guys??” _

 

And I hit send. Then I slouched in my seat, resting my feet on the next chair over. When was Jack going to come and rescue me?

 

“Hey!” called a male voice that made me turn.

 

Ethan was coming over, and that made me sit right back up. Was he talking to me? I looked behind me to make sure no one was beckoning him over. When I turned back he was standing by the empty chair next to me.

 

“It's… Bella, right?” he guessed. When I nodded, he asked, “Can I sit with you?”

 

“Sure,” I replied. “What happened to your friends?”

 

“Ah, Mark and Amy are lost somewhere on the dance floor,” Ethan said, “and Tyler went to do shots with Jack, and I haven't seen either of them since.”

 

I chuckled. “You're not drinking?”

 

He shrugged. “I just turned twenty.”

 

Drunk Bella was coming through. I leaned in closer to him, as if we would be overheard despite the loud music. “Do you want me to buy you something? Because I totally will.”

 

He seemed amused by that. “No thanks. I'm good. I'll make Tyler do it later, since he ditched me.”

 

I nodded and sat back. This was a lot easier with alcohol in my system. “You just moved here, right? Where you from?”

 

“Maine,” Ethan replied. “I've been here for like, two or three days.”

 

“Aahh, an east coaster. You're gonna have a fun summer here when that happens.”

 

“Yeah, I heard. Are you from around here?”

 

“Palm Springs, it's in the middle of the desert, and like… three hours away from here,” I explained as I pulled out my flask again.

 

Ethan hummed. “At least you're closer to home. I miss my family.”

 

If I was sober I wouldn't have said anything at all. Hell, I wouldn't even be here to begin with. “You're lucky you have a family to miss.” And I took another swig of my tequila.

 

He looked at me, but I didn't return the gaze. I could see his look of pity from my peripherals. I wasn't that bothered by it at the moment.

 

“Anyway, I'm drunk, don't pay attention to me,” I added casually. “Tell me more about you, Ethan. Are you a student here or something? What kind of videos do you make? Or something?”

 

“Um… yeah, yeah I was taking classes online, then Mark asked if I wanted to move over here to make some videos with him. So I was able to transfer into actual classes. And uh, I make gaming videos.”

 

The mention of Mark sent a gross chill down my spine. He couldn't seem to go away, could he? Of course the cute guy with cute hair and cute glasses had to have a connection to my stupid ex.

 

“Nice, I love video games,” I said. “I just make beauty videos, nothing special.”

 

“Oh come on,” Ethan said, nudging my side, “I've seen that doll tutorial with Jack. It was badass!”

 

For the first time tonight, I genuinely smiled. “Thanks, you're sweet.”

 

We were quiet for a little bit, just gazing at the people dancing the night away. I felt calm, but that was only because I was drunk. Ethan spoke up again after a while.

 

“I gotta ask,” he prompted, “are you and Jack dating now?”

 

I nearly burst out laughing. However, I just patted his shoulder. “Nah dude, we're just friends and neither of us had dates. We settled for each other.”

 

“Oh, okay. Sorry if I was nosy or anything.”

 

“Don't worry about it. I can see why people would think we're a thing. We’re both going through breakups at the same time, we're here as each other's dates. Looks fishy, I know.”

 

Ethan nodded. “Yeah, Mark was wondering too. That was the first thing he asked Jack when he saw him.”

 

I scoffed. “I don't see why he should be concerned, considering he just dropped me for another girl, but whatever I guess!”

 

“Are you serious?” Ethan sat up, sounding shocked. “He dumped you for Amy?”

 

“Yup. Just came over like, ‘Hey, I found someone new! Buh-bye!’ Like, thanks! And then he had the nerve to come and talk to me like nothing’s wrong!”

 

Ethan sat there in stunned silence. “That really sucks. Maybe he felt guilty or something.”

 

“He should, I'm fucking great.” I paused. “Actually, that's a lie. But you're cute, and it would be fucking rad if you liked me, but whatever.”

 

He blushed and then opened his mouth to say something, but we were graciously interrupted by our dates. Tyler came and plopped down next to Ethan, and Jack came on my other side with some bottles of water.

 

“How you kids doin’?” asked Tyler in a much slurred voice than when I first spoke to him.

 

“Good. Me and Bella are best buddies now,” Ethan replied.

 

“Correction,” Jack said, handing each of us a water bottle, “you and  _ drunk _ Bella are best buddies.”

 

“Yeah, sober Bella is quiet, nervous, and boring,” I added.

 

“I'm sure I'd like sober Bella too,” Ethan reassured.

 

I placed my hand dramatically over my heart.  _ “Ayy, mi corazon! _ What a sweetie…”

 

“Drink your water, Baller,” Jack told me, nudging my bottle.

 

“Good idea,” I said, downing half of it.

 

Just as I put it down, a specific song began blaring through the speakers. I gasped, my mouth dropping open, and I looked at Jack excitedly. “Is this  _ Hair?” _

 

“Yeah!” he replied enthusiastically. “You wanna go dance?”

 

I nodded, completely forgetting about Ethan and Tyler sat beside us, and I followed Jack onto the dance floor. I almost didn’t notice Mark and Amy coming out of the crowd, then I wouldn’t have remembered that Mark hated this song. Then I wouldn’t have realized how much I could relate to this song now.

 

_ “‘Cause he was just a dick, and I knew it _

_ Got me going back sittin’ in this chair, like I don’t care _

_ Gotta get him out my hair!” _

  
If I wasn’t wearing heels, I would have been jumping all over the dance floor. Everything felt so much easier when I had alcohol in my system. But I hated that that’s what I had to resort to so I could be somewhat of a normal person. Sure, I felt free and fun for the moment, but the next day I was going to absolutely loathe myself and I wouldn’t be able to look anyone in the eyes. This was basically why I never went out. I would have to drink or pop a pill, and then I’d wind up regretting it the following day.


	5. november pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella's song choices: This Town by Niall Horan, The One that Got Away by Katy Perry

Holidays didn’t really mean anything to me. Holidays meant family time, and I didn’t have any family, not since I was eighteen. For the most part, I was over it, and mostly okay with cutting ties with my relatives. However, there was still apart of me that went downhill due to the emphasis of family time during the holidays. That, mixed with the reopened wounds of losing Mark (thanks, YTU Homecoming), created a nice little episode of depression for me to fall into.

 

Jack had showed me pictures of me, him, Tyler and Ethan in one of the photobooths from homecoming. I was handsy in the photos, having my arm around Jack and making kissy faces at Ethan. I didn’t remember any of it, and I would usually be mortified. But instead I just felt a crushing emptiness, a lack of emotion. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to avoid Ethan and Tyler like the plague now because of my drunk self, but I only found it strange that I couldn’t properly feel the anxiety. I would rather lay in bed than panic, and it was happening more and more as the month went on.

 

In fact, when I wasn’t making videos or taking Jack to school, I was just in bed. Away from the holiday hype, away from life. The only time I had energy was used up on binging Mark’s videos. Didn’t really help my mood, to be honest.

 

I watched him and Tyler in “the new office,” which was this white, fancy loft. Mark was gushing about finally getting the office together, having a place for all of his friends to record and hang out. He explained that Tyler had moved over here to help him schedule things and make sure he got things done. Naturally, he kept up the “I’m a douchebag and I’m completely extra” persona, putting his brand new diamond play button on display and then demanding YouTube for a new one when he broke it. I wondered why neither of them had mentioned Ethan before checking the description and seeing that the video was posted in October.

 

In another video, Mark’s beard was completely shaved off. It was shocking to see his naked face, but it wasn’t shocking to see him spend a good twenty seconds mocking the fans asking why he would ever do such a thing. Then he played the new app, _PewDiePie’s Tuber Simulator_ , which I knew all about. (What do you think I did while I lied in bed all day?) Of course, Mark being even more extra, claimed to have shaved because in this game, he only had ninety nine thousand subscribers. Back when he actually did have that many subscribers, he didn’t have a beard. It was just some form of pretentious symbolism that I used to find endearing. Then he mentioned that Chica didn’t recognize him after he shaved, and it made my heart ache. If there was anything I missed more than my ex-boyfriend, it was my ex-boyfriend’s dog.

 

After two videos, I was plagued with tears and devastating heartbreak. As selfish as it sounded, he looked a lot happier than when he was with me. All I ever wanted for Mark was his happiness, but I didn’t think I wasn’t going be apart of it. I had let my guard down, and life came around to bite me in the ass. I didn’t have him here anymore to get through to me and my difficulties. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to find someone like that again, given how hurt I was last time. Mark was able to tear my walls down, and in the end, he was also able to break me.

 

My phone suddenly beeped on my nightstand. The only person who texted me these days was Jack, and that was only when I had to go pick him up. I shut my laptop and grabbed my car keys and then my phone. I was just about to speed out the door, but I properly read Jack’s message.

 

_ “Ready to go! Is it okay if we give Ethan a ride home too?” _

 

You’ve got to be  _ fucking  _ kidding me. Ethan? Sweet, little Ethan with the cute glasses, who I drunkenly hit on at homecoming? No. Never. Must avoid. Do not intervene.

 

_ “Yeah, sure, I’ll be right there,”  _ the anxious side of me responded. I mean, I didn’t want to be rude. I didn’t want him to hate me. He was cute, after all.

 

If I wasn’t clenching my jaw during a bout of anxiety, then it was chattering like I was cold. My hands were glued to the steering wheel as I drove to campus, and my eyes were probably bugging out of my head. I parked in front of the main office, practically frozen in my position. I felt like if I moved, bad things would happen. Why couldn’t I have crashed on the way here? Then I wouldn’t have to do this…

 

“Stop,” I whispered to myself right before I caught my two passengers walking over.

 

Jack got in the front, Ethan in the back. I took a quick glance at the latter through the rear view mirror. I also tried not to fumble on my greeting, since my voice got so shaky.

 

“Where is your place at, Ethan?” Jack asked. Thankfully, he knew he had to do all the talking.

 

“Actually,” he replied, “could you drop me off at Mark’s office?”

 

Oh god, the dreaded office I spent an hour crying about. Nope. What if I see Mark? What if I see Amy? Hell no, Ethan can just walk.

 

“Yeah, of course!” I replied. Anxiety works in stupid ways.

 

Jack input the address into his phone and then we were off. He quickly relaxed into his seat, probably tired from his long day, and then he reached over to turn up the volume on the radio. Of course, I didn’t say anything about my irrational insecurity of letting other people hear what music I listened to. I mean, I was fine with Jack, it was just the guy in the backseat I was worried about.

 

“Isn’t this the guy from One Direction?” Jack wondered, nodding to the little screen on the radio where the song and artist title was displayed.

 

“Yup, he’s making his own music now,” I said. “They really are going their separate ways.”

 

“I like this song,” Ethan spoke up.

 

It wasn’t until I heard him quietly singing along did I take my first internal sigh of relief. However, I held my breath when the next song came on. An instrumental from-

 

“Harry Potter!” Ethan exclaimed. “Nice!”

 

“You have no idea how often Bella listens to these soundtracks,”Jack told him.

 

“No way! Which movie’s your favorite, Bella?”

 

Easy question. I could do this. Deep breath, and, “The fifth one.”

 

“Mine too!”

 

Oh thank god.

 

After that song finished, another instrumental played. This one was from a video game. Like before, Ethan perked up.

 

“You’ve played Undertale?”

 

“I know it doesn’t look like it, but I play a lot of video games in my spare time,” I told him.

 

His next statement threw me off. “Where have you been all my life?”

 

I laughed nervously, my stomach flipping over. Was that petty revenge for homecoming? I was already embarrassed enough about it!

 

“She’s been stuck in her room playing Undertale,” Jack answered for me.

 

Okay, seriously? I was glad I was driving, that way I didn’t have to look at either of them.

 

“Y-Yeah, video games and makeup are the only things I’m good at,” I added, and that made them laugh.

 

“I think you told me that at homecoming,” Ethan said.

 

That’s right, I probably did. I probably also told him some dark shit about me, and now he was just being polite. But there was a chance that he knew. It didn’t matter what it could be, it was just the possible fact that _he knew_ about something I didn’t like to talk about that scared me.

 

Thankfully, Jack kept the conversation going. He had more things to talk about with Ethan than I did. I just continued driving, torn between wanting to remember what I told him and wanting to repress it forever.

 

Finally, we reached the destination. Jack said goodbye to Ethan, but I barely got a word out. I didn’t even hear him leave the vehicle. My mind had gone from my drunk adventures at homecoming to the fact that I was several feet away from my ex-boyfriend, and that I didn’t have any tequila to help me cope.

 

Everything was so different now. Mark was off doing bigger and better things. He had a team of people helping him. As soon as his old editors/friends left, he quickly replaced them. Then, he replaced his girlfriend. I couldn’t help but wonder if all of this stuff would be happening for him, had he not broken up with me. Was I just not good enough to be apart of his new team? When did I stop being good enough for him?

 

“I think Ethan likes you,” said Jack, inadvertently snapping me out of my thoughts.

 

“I miss Mark,” I admitted.

 

At first, it was silent in the car. Then, Jack tried breaking the tension. “Two types of people.”

 

I stayed quiet as I put the car back in drive and took off down the road. Now that I had said it out loud, I could feel cold, crippling emotions rising up my throat. But I had made a promise to myself not to fall apart anymore. Mark had already left me, there was nothing that could be done about it. Why did I have to keep whining about it?

 

“Why would Ethan like me?” I wondered.

 

“‘Cause you’re great,” Jack replied. “You were really forward with him at homecoming.”

 

“That was drunk me. He’ll be disappointed to see that I’m nowhere near as fun or flirty while sober.”

 

“Hey, you’re fun. You’re flirty and cute. You just need to get more comfortable. Remember how quiet you were with me?”

 

“That’s different.”

 

“How?”

 

I hesitated.

 

“Bellers,” Jack pressed, “you need more people in your life. I know it’s hard for you, but it wouldn’t hurt to at least talk to one other person.”

 

I was fine with just him. I didn’t want to guilt him into just being my only friend, though. I also got the feeling he was growing tired of me, and that’s why he was telling me this.

 

“I’ll get better one day,” I said.

 

~

 

The next day was a little difficult. Almost as soon as I woke up, the anxiety hit me. I knew why. Two words: Election Day.

 

Normally, I was one to talk about this and push people to vote. I mean, I did in the months leading up to this day, and I even went to vote myself early in the morning. But after that, after taking Jack to school, and after checking my Twitter feed one time, I couldn't bring myself to say or do anything more. It was like the Bella from the ranting tutorials had died and left me behind.

 

I had plenty of things to distract myself. Brush my teeth, do laundry, eat, take a shower… I just couldn't be bothered to do anything except stay in bed. I really did need to shower, too. I could almost smell my boob sweat and unwashed hair. 

 

_ I can just do it tomorrow,  _ I thought to myself.

 

Naturally, when the election results came in, I kind of wanted to die. Jack was there to talk me down and comfort me while I hysterically cried on the floor. Later on, I checked Twitter again to find some people using this event to be spiteful.  _ Stay alive out of spite, be who you are out of spite. He wants us dead but we're not going to give him the satisfaction. _

 

I couldn't find it in me. Jack had to talk me out of taking down my LGBTQ+ and Latina pride videos. I was ready to give up, and I probably would have had it not been for Jack telling me otherwise. It just felt hopeless.

 

As the days went on, I didn't feel my depression lifting very much. Of course, I told Jack I was fine, and continued giving him rides to campus. More often than not, when I came to pick him up, Ethan was with him. I made more trips to Mark's office than I would have liked, but Ethan was very sweet and I didn't exactly want to stop seeing him. I just couldn’t pluck up the courage to meet up with him outside of my car.

 

“Onward my Baller!” Jack called like it was nothing.

 

Ethan giggled from the backseat. “Baller…”

 

“Bella, Baller, Bellers, Tiny Nervous Ball,” Jack added. “She has the best nicknames.”

 

I managed to crack a smile. Tiny Nervous Ball was a new one.

 

The car ride was generally quiet. I wasn't in the mood to start a conversation. I only kept my music playing softly in the background.  Katy Perry’s  _ The One that Got Away  _ didn't feel very comforting, though.

 

“Hey, Jack,” Ethan spoke after a while, “where do you get your hair done? I need to redye mine soon.”

 

“Oh, Bella does it for me while I'm here,” he replied.

 

“You do hair?”

 

I wanted to groan out loud and whine that I didn't want to talk! Just leave me alone! Let me wallow in peace! Stop being cute! Stop making me soft!

 

Jack answered for me. “She's incredible! She styles hair, cuts, colors. We made a video together where she dyed my hair!”

 

“No way! That's cool!” Ethan exclaimed.

 

Oh god. I felt it coming out my throat, I couldn't stop myself. This was only going to go one of two ways. 

 

“If you want, I could do your hair for you,” I offered. “That way you don't have to search around for a stylist who'll charge you a ridiculous amount.”

 

“You'd do that?” Ethan asked.

 

Even Jack was giving me a surprised look.  _ Oh honey, I know. _

 

“If you want, it’s up to you,” I told him with a shrug.

 

“I’ll think about it. I’ll let you know.” I heard a smile in his voice. Or I was just reading far too into it. Did this mean he was definitely going to talk to me again? Or was that a very gentle rejection?

 

“You won’t find anything better than Bella,” Jack added, making me blush.

 

“Yeah, I’ve got a feeling.”

 

As much as I liked cute guys and cute girls saying nice things about me, I didn’t understand why. Why me? What did I do to deserve praise? More importantly, why did it have to be someone who works for my ex? Of all people! It felt like I couldn’t get away from Mark, even when I tried to move on.

 

~

 

It went on like this for a while: a sad haze clouded my mind, and it was getting harder to contain it. I tried to pinpoint the emotions towards Mark, but it didn’t really connect. I tried to link it to the election, and that didn’t feel right either. I felt like I was trying to keep myself together with tape that was losing its stickiness.

 

I continued with my routine: waking up around seven, taking Jack to class, then going back home and waiting to go pick him up. Eating or personal hygiene were optional. The only time I didn’t feel as sad was when I talked to Jack and Ethan. But even then, it wasn’t fulfilling enough. I still felt empty. I still felt like nothing.

 

My followers wanted me to say something inspiring and empowering following the election. I did eventually tweet out something mildly motivational about being proud of my Mexican-ness and queerness, because that was the only thing that still had some truth to it. Sure, I was a piece of shit stuck in a rut, but I was still bisexual and Mexican, and those weren’t bad things.

 

I couldn’t even find it in me to rant in a makeup tutorial. I wasn’t sure what I could say that didn’t sound hopeless. Why should I give advice or be empowering when I couldn’t do it on my own? Why should I pretend like I wasn’t crying on the floor of my living room?

 

Jack made attempts to pull me out of this funk. Usually it was just us going to the movies (happened only once - turns out I get panic attacks in dark, crowded rooms), or playing Mario Kart on the couch. Aside from the movies, playing games did help a little bit.

 

“Got any Thanksgiving plans?” he asked during one of the races.

 

“Nope,” I replied. “Not since I was twenty.”

 

“What about Christmas?”

 

“Not since I was eighteen.”

 

The game suddenly paused. I nearly jumped, having been so focused on the race. I turned to Jack, who was giving me a look.

 

I groaned and rolled my eyes. “It’s not a big deal! I don’t care about Christmas or Thanksgiving or anything! I’m…  _ mostly  _ at peace with it…”

 

“And you never…” he trailed off. “Or, your family hasn’t tried to contact you?”

 

“Nope. And that’s fine. They can’t accept me for who I am, so why bother?”

 

“Well, yeah. I understand that. But… they’re still your family. They’re your blood.”

 

I’ve heard that plenty of times. Usually, I’d grow irritated at the people who would tell me to stick by the people who raised me and gave me life. But this was Jack, so I figured I could go easy on him.

 

“Biologically, yes,” I told him patiently. “But that’s it. If they believed that being of the same blood meant anything, then they would still be in my life. But I don’t feel obligated to go back to them just because I’m related to them. Family is the people you choose to surround yourself with who love you unconditionally. And as of this year, you’re my only family.”

 

Jack nodded. “Well, in that case, we’re definitely having a family dinner for Thanksgiving.”

 

We decided to cook, which meant grocery shopping had to happen. The fridge had been practically empty since Halloween, so after dropping him off at YTU on the week of the dreaded holiday, I plucked up the courage to stop at WalMart. It was an early Tuesday morning, surely there wouldn’t be many people. After sitting on the car for ten minutes, I got out and grabbed a cart.

 

I sighed in relief when I found the store lacking in shoppers. It got easier as I walked around and grabbed the things I needed. I couldn’t remember the last time I went grocery shopping before Jack came along. Usually, I stuck with the corner store at the end of my street or McDonald’s. But for the things we had planned for Thanksgiving, I had to make the extra trip.

 

Naturally, after gathering all the food items (plus some extra sweet snacks for Jack’s late night cravings), I made my way to the cosmetics department. I decided to treat myself, since going to a public place was so stressful. This was going to be my reward for accomplishing this alone.

 

I was setting myself up for cosmetics. I was getting more excited the closer I got. However, I slowed my tracks when I saw a spot of blue from the corner of my eye. Then, I stopped and took a step back, glancing in the hair care aisle. As soon as I mentally confirmed that it was in fact, Ethan, I dashed forward to the makeup.

 

From there, I tried to get my mind off of it. I distracted myself with pretty nail polish colors and poor quality eyeshadow palettes. I started throwing different forms of false eyelashes into my cart, along with press on nails, maybe a mascara or two. Looks like this week’s video is going to be a haul.

 

A male voice called my name, but it wasn’t the voice I had been anticipating. I turned and saw Tyler standing at the end of the aisle. I screamed internally, half wanting to run, and half hoping to god I wouldn’t say something stupid.

 

“Hi,” I greeted, pushing my cart over to where he was.

 

“What brings you here?” he asked, smiling. “I thought you had classes at YTU?”

 

“Oh no, I took the semester off,” I replied. “I’m just, uh, shopping for Thanksgiving.”

 

“Cooking for your family?”

 

_ Ugh. _

 

“Just me and Jack, actually. I feel like a single mother, taking him to school, feeding him, y’know?” I joked, trying to avoid the family stuff.

 

Tyler laughed. “Yeah, I definitely know. I live with, uh-” He was cut off by Ethan coming around the corner, nearly bumping into him.

 

“Ahh, sorry!” he said, before landing his eyes on me. “Hi, Bella!”

 

“Hi,” I greeted, smiling while tightening my grip on my cart. “I-I, uh, thought you’d be i-in class or something?”

 

“Oh, no. I go in later in the afternoon,” he said. “What about you? Got any classes?”

 

I shook my head. Speaking was very hard all of a sudden. “Took the… took the semester off.” Please don’t ever ask why. I never came up with a decent excuse.

 

“Oh, okay. Hey, I’m actually glad I ran into you,” Ethan said. “You said you’d be able to dye my hair? Does that offer still stand?”

 

A sudden burst of… something, surged in my chest. So he hadn’t rejected me before?

 

“Yeah, of course.” Ah, shit. “Whenever you’re available.”

 

“Wait,” Tyler said all of a sudden. “I’m sorry, Bella, I don’t mean to sound rude or disrespectful, but uh…” He turned to Ethan. “Do you think Mark would be okay with… this?” He gestured between me and his friend.

 

I rolled my eyes. Normally I’d agree and get plagued with paranoia and guilt. Given how Mark reacted when he realized just how close Jack and I had reacted, I was a little weary. But mostly, I felt a little spiteful.

 

“Mark can mind his own business,” I said pointedly.

 

“She’s not wrong,” Ethan added, letting out a nervous laugh.

 

~

 

Thanksgiving was about as exciting as it could be when you’ve lived my life. Jack and I made enchiladas, since it was different from what we normally had, and it was the only thing I knew how to make. It was like any other night, except we decided to eat at the dining table instead of the couch. Oh, and my Twitter feed was flooded with people talking about how much they loved their families. Good for them, I guess.

 

I usually never tweeted anything regarding the holidays. I never spoke of my lack of festivity, even though I was frequently asked about it. This year, since I publicly talked about my family situation, I figured people would be able to put two and two together. I was sad enough already, I didn’t want to have to explain it again.

 

“So uh,” Jack said after we finished eating. “Mark invited me to have dinner at his house.”

 

My heart sank at the sound of his name. Figured he would try to take back the friend I stole from him sooner or later.

 

“Oh,” I said, continuing to scroll on my phone to dull the feelings.

 

There was a tense pause. “I don’t think I’m gonna go.”

 

“How come?” I asked, anxiously pulling up Instagram.

 

“Because we’re having our Thanksgiving.”

 

I smiled. Sure it was just a small dinner, but it was better than being alone. But I still felt a pang of guilt. “I mean, if you really wanna go, no one’s stopping you.”

 

“Nah, he’s got plenty of people. He doesn’t need me.”

 

I could tell that that wasn’t the real reason, and I would have pressed the subject had it not been for the photo I saw on my feed. Apparently, I must have followed Ethan on Instagram while I was drunk at homecoming, because firstly, I was surprised to see him pop up. Secondly, the picture he posted was of himself, Tyler, Amy, Mark and Chica sat on a couch in what looked like that fancy white office of theirs.  _ “Spent Thanksgiving with these lovely folks!”  _ the caption read. They looked happy, despite the silly faces they were making.

 

Maybe Mark was treating the team better than his last editors. They seemed happy in their last livestream. Mark was gushing in his last vlog about how happy was to go and meet fans at the park and make videos with them. I couldn’t help but feel selfish. Why couldn’t I have been apart of that happiness? Why wasn’t I good enough? What about Amy made him want to drop me and immediately start going out with her?

 

_ That’s kind of obvious you dipshit,  _ a stupid voice in my head said.

 

“Let’s take a selfie, Baller,” Jack said, taking me out of my sad string of thoughts like always.

 

I nodded and moved closer to him. I put on my best smile as he snapped a few photos. Thank god I decided to put on makeup to mask my sadness today. At least I had that to feel thankful for.

 

“Beautiful,” he said after. “These are going on Instagram.”

 

I chuckled. “People are definitely going to think we’re dating.”

 

“When do they  _ not  _ think we’re dating?”

 

“Excellent point. Jackella five-ever.”

 

He laughed. “Oh, I wanna put that in the caption but I don’t wanna come off like I’m being mean.”

 

“I’ll do it then. Send me one of the pictures.”

 

As predicted, our Instagram comments had a bit of speculation. I was good at ignoring it most times, but given the holiday today, my patience was wearing thin.

 

_ “Septiishu broke up and then Jack moves in with Bella??? Coincidence???”  _ Yes, it is.

 

_ “Bella definitely cheated on Mark, it only makes sense!”  _ No it doesn’t.

 

_ “She has like a million personality disorders, so she probably cheated out of self destruction!”  _ Okay, that’s a little too far.

 

I didn’t want to publicly address anything. But now I was left with no choice.

 

_**@bellasanti:** A reluctant/unnecessary thread: no, I never cheated on Mark. Nobody cheated on anybody. _

 

_**@bellasanti:** I think it’s funny how he’s the one going out and about with someone new (right after dumping me lol), yet i’m apparently the cheater lmao _

 

_**@bellasanti:** as for Jack, he’s my roommate and also my friend. Please stop trying to find deeper meaning than that. _

 

_**@bellasanti:** yes, we both happen to be in similar personal situations. It’s all a coincidence, I can promise you that. _

 

_**@bellasanti:** Today, I saw someone speculate on my mental health and why it supposedly played a role in my breakup. That’s going too far, and I’d appreciate if yall didn’t do that lol _

 

_**@bellasanti:** maybe I don’t want to talk about everything that’s wrong with my head. Doesn’t give anyone the right to treat it as a “mystery” or to “theorize” about it. _

 

_**@bellasanti:** that’s all. Have a lovely day lmao _

 

Needless to say, I had to delete those later on.

 

~

 

“You sure you don’t want me to pick you up?” I asked Jack the next afternoon as I parked in front of YTU.

 

“I’ll be fine,” he replied as he grabbed his backpack from the floor of the car. “If I finish recording early, then I can take the bus. Don’t worry about me, just have fun with Ethan.” He smiled and wiggled his eyebrows.

 

I rolled my eyes, but my cheeks went red. “All I’m doing is dying his hair, he’ll probably be bored!”

 

Jack chuckled. “Trust me, he won’t be bored. He went looking for  _ you  _ at homecoming. I’m pretty sure he likes you.”

 

“Ohmigod, shut up!” I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, even if it was true.

 

“Don’t worry, I’ll be home in a couple of hours. If you feel panicky, then call me.”

 

I nodded as I watched him get out of the car. He waved goodbye before shutting the door. I almost expected to see Ethan coming, but then I remembered he didn’t have classes on Fridays. Plus, it was still Thanksgiving break, so there weren’t any classes in session anyway.

 

For a moment, I sat there in silence, my hands on the steering wheel. Then I imagined stepping on the gas and crashing into the side of the main office building. I also thought about voluntarily banging my head against the wheel until I bled profusely.

 

“Shut up,” I whispered before putting the car back in drive and heading back to my place.

 

I didn’t want to keep Ethan waiting when he got here, so I got everything prepared in the meantime. I threw a plastic cover on the floor to protect the carpet, and then moved on of the chairs from the dining table over on top. I covered the chair with a plastic trash bag and the seat with a towel. After that, I rushed to the bathroom to 1) grab the dye, bleach, and mixing bowl and 2) lean over the toilet because the nerves were upsetting my stomach. That was when I decided I wasn’t going to survive this on my own, so after putting the hair stuff in the living room, I went to my bedside drawer in my room.

 

“Hello Xanax my old friend,” I sang, pulling out the orange bottle. I hated having to take it, but it was necessary.

 

Once I had it down, I heard a knock on the door. Just on time.

 

The boy was wearing his glasses when I answered the door. It rang a bell to that night at homecoming. He was also wearing an orange jacket over a black t-shirt, which stood out to me for some reason. Maybe it was the fact that he’s got a cute face… ugh.

 

“Hey! Come in!” I greeted.

 

“Hey! Thanks for doing this,” he told me, stepping into the apartment. He looked around at the space, and then I felt like I should have cleaned up some more. He was judging my living space. What if he reported back to Mark what I slob I’ve become over time?

 

“Yeah, no problem,” I replied, praying for the Xanax to kick in. “Come, sit!”

 

I led him over to the chair in the living room, where he sat down. At least now I couldn’t look him in the eyes. I could do this.

 

After wrapping a towel around his front, I ran my fingers through Ethan’s hair. Listen, I know that was supposed to give me butterflies or make me blush, but I was a woman of hair care and beauty. I was noticing how much of his roots were showing, not to mention how dead and dry his ends were. I felt like I was being tested at cosmo school again, and I had to give him the right treatment.

 

“Can I, like, trim your hair after?” I asked, hoping I wasn’t pushing too far. “Just to get rid of some of the dryness?”

 

“Um, yeah. You know how to cut hair too, right?” he asked.

 

“I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t know what I was doing.”

 

My tiny shred of confidence was enough for Ethan to approve. With that, I put on my gloves and began the procedure. Doing this type of thing was calming. Or maybe it was just the Xanax doing its job.

 

“Have you ever worked in a salon or something?” Ethan asked me after a while.

 

“Yup. It was my first job, actually,” I said, brushing the bleach over his roots. “I, uh, worked for this really nice lady. She gave me the head start on everything beauty related.”

 

“Huh, that’s cool.”

 

It was quick to get all the bleach in the right places. Next thing to do was play the waiting game. I placed a shower cap over Ethan’s head, and then removed my gloves.

 

“Okay, so,” I said, wanting to be a decent host/hairdresser, “it’s gonna be a while for the bleach to kick in, so you wanna play some Mario Kart to kill the time?”

 

Ethan’s face perked up, like he wasn’t expecting that. “Yeah!”

 

I set up the consel and gave him a controller. Soon enough, Baby Peach was kicking Toad’s ass. I was far more relaxed now that I was doing things I enjoyed, and that Ethan was having a good time.

 

“How are you so good at this?” he wondered after the fourth race.

 

“I have more free time than I like to admit,”I said, giggling at his frustration.

 

“Do you play Overwatch?”

 

“Hell yeah. I suck at it, but still.”

 

He smiled. “Me too!”

 

We kept talking. I hoped to god I was actually entertaining enough and that he wasn’t just being polite. I didn’t want him to get tired of me. I actually liked the time I had with him.

 

Eventually, it was time to rinse off the bleach and hope I didn’t damage his hair too much. If I didn’t have a sink low enough to wash his hair in, I wouldn’t have done this. However, the sink was in Jack’s bathroom, and all I could think about was what I had done in here only four months ago. I knew this routine well enough to get it overwith quickly, so I didn’t fall into a deep pit of fogginess and panic. After that was done, it was back into the living room for the blue dye.

 

“So… are you liking LA so far?” I asked, wanting to take my mind off my suicide attempt and wanting to keep talking to Ethan.

 

“I haven’t seen much of it, actually,” he said. “Well, I’ve been to this one park a few times with Mark and Tyler. But that was to make some videos, so I didn’t see much of that either.”

 

“Oh okay.” Right. How did I forget he works for Mark? How did I forget he’s friends with Mark, and probably Amy too? “I have a dumb question. Or, two actually.” Don’t do it Bella.

 

“What is it?”

 

“Is he treating you happier?” Nope. Two questions in one. At the same time. Well, now I have to call it quits. I’ll never be able to talk to Ethan again. I had one goddamn chance.

 

“Um, what?”

 

I took a deep breath. Thank god I was standing behind him so I couldn’t see the look on his face. He probably thought I was an idiot.

 

“I mean, is Mark being nice to you?” I asked sheepishly, my cheeks heating up.

 

“Oh, well yeah. He’s great. He’s a good friend and a good boss,” Ethan said. “Why do you ask?”

 

Word fumble. “Uh, it’s just… I-I saw, uh, the way he treated his last editors and like, I know he’s owned up to it now… I, uh, just wanted to s-see if anything’s changed with him. That’s all. Sorry.”

 

“Don’t be sorry, it’s a valid question. Are, uh, you guys still friends?”

 

No more falling apart. “No. It’s probably for the best. Judging by his vlogs, he seems a lot happier.”

 

Ethan was quiet for a second, the mood changing completely. “Must’ve been rough.”

 

Before I could try to change the subject, I heard my phone ring on the dining table. I would have ignored it if it didn’t continuously ring with notifications. I swiftly apologized to Ethan as I put down my mixing bowl and took off my gloves. I grabbed my phone, thinking it was Jack asking for a ride home. But my stomach sank when I found a Twitter DM from fucking  _ Mark. _

 

_ “Seriously??”  _ Sent with screenshots of my angry thread that was now deleted. Of course, it was bound to get to him.

 

He sent another message.  _ “Listen, I understand you’re angry. Be as angry as you want, yell at me whenever you feel like it. But please, do not involve my fans or yours in this anymore. It’s not a public matter anymore. I know you don’t deserve to be accused of something you didn’t do, but the only thing we can do is look past the bad things. We can’t stop anyone from starting rumors. Again, I’m really sorry about everything, and if you ever want to talk it out with me, you know where to reach me.” _

 

I twisted my neck from side to side, making the bones pop. My blood was boiling, even though he was kind of right. There was a string of things I could have said to him, most of them involving Spanish swear words. But what response did I go with?

 

_ “K.” _


	6. december pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella's song choices: Good Enough by Little Mix, How to Save a Life by The Fray

It was finally cold enough to constantly wear long sleeves and hoodies. I was finally able to comfortably live in every sweater I owned, and purchase plenty more. It also meant that I didn’t have to cover my wrists with ridiculous amounts of makeup anymore. I could breathe properly for the next few months.

 

“You’re telling me,” Helena said in surprise when I was in her office that week, “Jack doesn’t know about your suicide attempt?”

 

I shook my head. “I thought Mark would have told him while I was being treated, but when I found out that he didn’t, I asked him to keep it that way.”

 

Helena’s brows furrowed as she jotted it down. “I see. And as far as you know, Mark has kept that promise?”

 

“Yeah. I mean, I wouldn’t doubt it if he told his… Amy.”

 

“Okay. Well, in other words, you haven’t talked about your attempt outside of this office?”

 

“Nope. It’s not really something you can just casually bring up at the dinner table,” I said.

 

“Yes, I understand,” Helena said. “However, you haven’t felt the need to talk about it with a friend? More specifically, Jack?”

 

I began to tap my foot anxiously. Usually, I just pretend like that whole fiasco never happened. It was easy that way, because then it was easier to forget to tell Jack it even happened. I mean, I had hideous scars on my wrists, stomach, and thighs that made it a little difficult. Sometimes I would relive that night in my sleep. Talking about it made me think about it too much and eventually sent me spiraling. But other than that, it’s like it never happened.

 

“So there’s this guy in my life,” I blurted out, wanting to move on from this topic.

 

“Oh?” Helena gestured for me to go on.

 

That was when I realized I didn’t have much to say. “Um… his name is Ethan. He’s got blue hair. Uh…”

 

“Where did you meet him?”

 

“YTU Homecoming. He’s um, he’s sweet.”

 

“A sweet, blue haired boy named Ethan,” Helena spoke, smiling warmly. “Was he your date?”

 

“Oh no. I went with Jack, who’s friends with Ethan.”

 

“Okay. So… do you have a crush on him?”

 

I thought about Ethan. I did get along with him better than I had anticipated. While I had only spoken to him a few times, and hung out with him once, I found my mind taking a million steps ahead of reality. I wanted to play with his hair more. I wanted to hold his hand and hug him. He’s got an irresistibly adorable face. He’s funny and endearing. I wanted to listen to him talk about nothing. I wanted him to listen to me and… validate my feelings. Or, reciprocate them.

 

“Shit,” I whispered in realization.

 

“I’ll take that as a yes!” Helena said happily. “Alright, so should we schedule your next appointment?”

 

~

 

I know the word “trigger” is a huge meme on the Internet. It didn’t sit well with me, a person who has many triggers. A lovely little bitch named anxiety kept me from publicly speaking up about it, however. At the same time, because I’ve seen it be used so comically online, I couldn’t say that I was triggered by talk of suicide without wanting to giggle a little bit. You could imagine how hard it was to mention anything that I had done to my only friend.

 

Since it was mentioned in my therapy session, I felt weird. I hadn’t actively thought about cutting into my veins since the summertime, and now it felt like it was popping up everywhere. I didn’t know what to do except buy more shit online. All I could do was buy the pain away.

 

To be honest, I didn’t know how to feel that I survived. I couldn’t describe how I felt when I woke up in the hospital. Part of me wanted to jump out the window the first chance I got, but the other part of me had a feeling that it was meant to be this way. Nowadays, I wasn’t really sure why I hadn’t tried to kill myself again. Maybe I wanted to keep making videos. Maybe I wanted more makeup. Maybe it was my followers. I wasn’t happy by any means, but I didn’t exactly have the energy to end my life either.

 

I didn’t understand. If I’m meant to live on this planet, in this doomed country, in this suffocating city, having a career with a huge platform, shouldn’t I be worthy of it? All my life, I was told over and over again that I was not good enough to be around anyone. My parents didn’t want me, nor did the rest of my relatives. People on the Internet didn’t like me because of my ranty makeup videos. Mark literally broke up with me because Amy was better than me. It was clear, I wasn’t meant to be around anyone, so I tried to die.

 

But it didn’t work. That should mean something, right? It should mean that I’m meant to stay alive, but did that still apply if I was just an empty shell? Was I supposed to continue functioning like this? Did I have to go on with life carrying this heavy burden? Did I have to find a person and let them love an empty, beating heart? Did I have to continue being a role model even if I was dead inside? Was I meant to stay broken?

 

Do not fall apart. Swallow the bad feelings. Do not bother anyone with this.

 

“Okay,” I whispered to myself. Why did I always have most of these thoughts in the car? It was like I was in a trance.

 

I shook myself, trying to clear the thoughts in my head. I sat back in my seat and tried to relieve the tension in my jaw, neck, and shoulders. I couldn’t remember not being tense. It was unnerving and unsettling.

 

“Okay, okay, okay,” I whispered. Why was it so hard to calm down?

 

A sudden tap on the passenger window nearly made me scream out. I turned and saw Jack and Ethan standing outside my car. I unlocked the doors and let them in, trying to catch my breath.

 

“Hey, guys,” I softly greeted as we went off. This was standard daily procedure at this point. I could handle this.

 

“What’s up?” Jack replied.

 

“Sah dud,” Ethan sarcastically added.

 

The small laugh I released took off some tension. Thank you, angel.

 

“Why are you listening to sad songs?” Jack asked me, adjusting the volume on the radio.

 

Oh god. Little Mix had the perfect song to throw me into this funk. This band had a song for every mood, I swear.

 

“I’m a sad person,” I simply told him, which made both boys laugh.

 

“Listened to their new album yet?” Jack prompted. “I know you love them.”

 

_ Who even am I anymore? _

 

“I kind of forgot about that,” I admitted sheepishly.

 

“Wait, who is this?” asked Ethan.

 

“Little Mix,” I told him.

 

“Also known as, Bella’s favorite group,” Jack added, then he looked at me. “I can’t believe you haven’t heard their new album yet! You’re usually on top of this stuff!”

 

I shrugged, not knowing how to explain my lack of enjoyment in things I normally liked. “I’ll listen when we get home.”

 

I drove on and kept my sad playlist on. Ethan gave me a nice comment about my interest in Birdy. I really couldn’t remember if I replied to him, but my insides went a little soft at his voice and my stomach filled with butterflies. So I was still capable of other emotions besides sadness, despair, and apathy. Good to know.

 

“Do you listen to Dodie Clark?” he asked me.

 

“Not really,” I replied. “She seems very Tumblr-esque.”

 

“Well, is that bad?” Undertones of defensiveness. Uh oh, he’s definitely going to hate me now.

 

“Of course not, it’s just not my style.” Save it, save it! “Maybe I should give her music another shot.”

 

“Here’s an idea!” Jack piped up. “Baller, you listen to Dodie. E-tan, you listen to Little Mix. Then, get back to each other and talk about it.”

 

He’s trying to get us to interact more. If I didn’t have some type of anxiety-inducing affection for Ethan, then I would be against this. I just didn’t have the guts to take initiative myself.

 

“I can do that,” the boy said. “What do you think, Bella?”

 

Well, now I certainly had to.

 

“Okay. Text me song recommendations, and I’ll send you some.”

 

“Alright.”

 

I was thinking of different songs I’d want him to hear. Should I go with the fun ones, or the ones that mean a lot to me?  _ Wings  _ or  _ Secret Love Song, Pt. II? _ My thought process was interrupted when we got closer to Mark’s office. Again, standard daily procedure.

 

“Hey,” I said to Ethan as I pulled over to the curb, “does Mark know that I give you rides here?”

 

He slung his backpack over his shoulder before opening the door. “It’s like you said, he can mind his own business.”

 

~

 

My head was a strange mix of suicide and Ethan. I realize how morbid that sounds, but it was true. They were unrelated to each other, and it was always one or the other. I also wasn’t sure how I felt about either of those things.

 

Suicide was… an escape route. A sick sense of relief. An emergency exit.

 

Ethan was… a flashlight. A sense of hope. A breath of fresh air.

 

But did I only like him because it helped me repress the bad feelings? Did I only do this so I could get over Mark?

 

Whenever I thought of Mark, I still felt a dull ache in my chest. I still cried when I stalked his social media and watched his videos. I mean it wasn’t as devastating as it was when he first broke up with me, but it wasn’t easy to see him be happy without me, either. I didn’t want it to hurt anymore, but I didn’t want to cost someone else’s feelings in order to get over my own.

 

How could I be happy again?

 

I got home with that storm cloud over my head. Jack, the embodiment of sunshine, was excited.

 

“Can you believe I actually want to listen to this album?” he asked, bouncing his way over to the living room. “Bring on the glory days!”

 

I cracked a smile. Honestly, what would I do without him?

 

We sat in the living room, and I played the album on my laptop. I knew Jack wasn’t very into pop music, especially a band like Little Mix, but he was bopping his head to every dancey song. He was more about the beat, while I was about the lyrics.

 

There was only one soul crushing, tear jerker of a song on this album. It was too real for both me and Jack, so we spent those four minutes and nine seconds crying on the couch. The song after that was happy and upbeat, and ironically, it was called-

 

“‘No More Sad Songs,’” Jack read off the screen. He wiped his nose and sighed. “That should be our rule.”

 

I managed to smile. “You know I can’t go on without my sad songs.”

 

“I know. It’s our song now. We’re broken hearted messes, but we have each other.”

 

Jack put his arm around me and pulled me close to his side. I lied my head on his shoulder, liking the physical affection. He was very cuddly and comfortable, I couldn’t believe Signe let him go so quickly.

 

“What are you going to do about Ethan?” he asked after a while.

 

My stomach did a series of somersaults at the mention of his name. Hearts, fuzzy feelings, and a bout of anxiety went through my chest and all through my veins. I buried my head in Jack’s chest before I blushed too hard.

 

“Oh, come on,” he said, amused. “Go out with him! He likes you!”

 

I groaned. Why would he like me? I didn’t understand.

 

“He’s friends with Mark,” I whined.

 

“So am I!”

 

“That’s different!” I said, sitting back up so I could look at him. “You’re my friend, and Mark’s the reason why! I don’t… I don’t want Ethan to be just my friend…” I admitted it, and now those fuzzy hearts were intensifying.

 

“You say that like it’s such a bad thing,” Jack said. “Who cares if he’s friends with Mark? It’s none of his business what you do with Ethan. Or  _ to  _ him.” He playfully elbowed my side.

 

My phone, which was on the coffee table, lit up and buzzed suddenly. A new Twitter DM.

 

“Speak of the devil,” I said, reaching over to grab it.

 

“What’d he say?” Jack asked. “‘Hey baby, lemme smash.’”

 

“Shut up.”

 

I opened the message to find a small list of Dodie Clark songs.  _ “Hope you like these :),”  _ he added in a second message.

 

“I should probably send him some songs,” I stated, unable to keep down my goofy grin. Or my breathing steady.

 

“Bella’s got a boyfriend,” he teased.

 

I blushed and smacked his arm.  _ “¡Ya callate!” _

 

“Seriously, though. I think you guys would be good together. And you can’t stop smiling and your face is red, which means you agree with me.”

 

I was about to rebuttal with some “I’m too broken” comment, but then Jack’s phone started ringing. We both looked down and saw the name that appeared on the screen. My eyes widened, and then I looked at my friend, who had gone stoic. Just before I could grab his phone for him, he beat me to it. He answered and went off to his room.

 

I paused the music, deciding to finish the album later. I did look through the Little Mix songs in my library to send to Ethan. My first list was a bit longer than his, but eventually I narrowed it down to eight songs. When I went to send it over Twitter, I saw that he sent me another message.

 

_ “Hey, sorry to keep asking this, but can you give me a ride to the office tomorrow?” _

 

I sent my list of songs, and then replied to his request.  _ “Of course! No problem at all!” _

 

His response was rather quick.  _ “Thanks! I get out of class around 12:30, and I’ll listen to these songs right now! :)” _

 

Like I said: fuzzy hearts.

 

~

 

I was a bit more excited about driving to YTU the next day. Conveniently, Jack had to go to campus to record, so I would be dropping him off when I had to pick up Ethan. For once, I had excited butterflies in my stomach, and I  _ didn’t  _ pop a Xanax beforehand. This was good anxiety. It was good, warm emotions that I couldn’t name.

 

Jack, on the other hand, seemed a little gloomy. He didn’t come out of his room for the rest of the night. I was wondering if I should have brought it up or not. It was always bizarre to see him so down, and I wanted to help him. I just didn’t know how to go about it.

 

“Gonna be okay?” I asked him as I pulled into the roundabout.

 

“Yeah, I just need to record,” he replied. “I think better when I record. I might stay for the whole day. I’ll keep you posted.”

 

“Alright, take your time.”

 

Jack got out of the car, and I heard him greet someone. I peered out the window and was happy to see Ethan walking out of the main office. I couldn’t help but smile when he got into the passenger seat.

 

“Have fun kids!” Jack called out to us before I drove off.

 

Although I was happy to see Ethan, I was still awful at making conversation. I just liked having him here, but I didn’t want to seem rude.

 

“So, do you love Dodie yet?” he asked.

 

I chuckled, relieved he had something to talk about. “I actually haven’t had the chance to hear her yet. Have you listened to Little Mix?”

 

“Only one,” he admitted. “I forgot the name, but it was an acapella one.”

 

“‘The End!’”

 

“Yes! I liked that one. They’re really talented.”

 

“Aren’t they?”

 

This only made my mood burst. He was open minded, thank god.

 

We went silent for a little bit, but it was nice. I mean, I was racing through many thoughts, trying to find something to talk about. Why did I have to be like this?

 

Again, Ethan was the one to break the silence. But what he said sent me nearly spiraling.

 

“I like you, Bella.”

 

I didn’t believe it when Jack first told me. Well, I actively chose not to believe it. I spent plenty of time talking myself out of the possibility of Ethan… just  _ Ethan.  _ There was no fucking way he could feel something for me other than pity. There had to be at least one time where he looked at me and thought, “Jesus fucking Christ, that’s a mess and a half.”

 

But no. Here we were in my car, stuck in LA traffic, the silence following his confession dawning on us. It was probably a bad sign that my first thought was,  _ “Why would the poor boy do that to himself?” _ At least, that’s what my head said. My heart, however was leaping and crying out,  _ “Oh god yes! Someone likes me! Someone can tolerate me despite that I’m in one of my worst depressive episodes! And he’s actually sweet and understanding and he can take me out of the dark hole my ex threw me in!”  _ How could I do that?

 

“Please say something,” Ethan spoke nervously.

 

The car lurched forward an inch, we were definitely going to be here a while. Why did I offer to give him a ride to Mark’s office? Why couldn’t Jack have stayed with me?

 

“W-We can’t,” I mumbled, unable to look at him.

 

Ethan was quiet for a moment. “I, uh, had a feeling you were gonna say that… Can I ask why?”

 

I didn’t want to hurt his sweet little heart. But he asked, and I had no idea where to start, and I didn’t want to tell him that part of me reciprocated these feelings. I had to push it away, and there was only one way I knew how to do that.

 

“You’re only going to get hurt,” I told him, keeping my eyes on the line of cars. “If we got together, I know that I would be doing it for the wrong reasons… And even then, there’s too much going on in my head for you to keep up with, and… you deserve better than that.”

 

“Maybe,” Ethan said in thought, “maybe you think that you don’t deserve someone who cares about you. And you don’t have to hide yourself away from me, Bella. I want to know everything.”

 

That was just making my poorly mended heart bleed more.

 

“You really don’t,” I said softly.

 

“I know you have a lot of anxiety,” he pressed, but still sounding gentle, “and I know you’ve been down lately, but it doesn’t have to stay like that. And I know us being together won’t fix that. I just… I care about you too much to let you go through it alone.”

 

That is until he finds someone normal. I couldn’t let that happen to me again.

 

“You would get tired,” I warned, “you’d start rolling your eyes when my anxiety acts up. You’ll eventually leave me for someone else.”

 

That was when it clicked for Ethan. “You’re not over Mark…”

 

“I’m not over what he did,” I feebly corrected. “I wish I was, though.”  _ Because you’re so good to me, and I don’t want you to be with anyone else but I also don’t want you to carry my burden. _

 

Ethan went quiet again as he sat back. He fiddled with his fingers and then pushed his hair out of his face. “I wouldn’t do that to you…” he muttered. “I understand if you don’t believe that, but… I wouldn’t do that.”

 

It didn’t really matter if I believed him. He was just very persistent, and he kept fighting everything I was telling him. Why wasn’t he repulsed? How far did I have to go?

 

“It’s just…” I trailed off, only to take a deep breath. “When you’re mentally ill… everything bad that happens makes you think it’s because you’re mentally ill, and that you can’t have anything good. When Mark left, he told me that it  _ wasn’t _ because I’m sick. But there’s still a part of me that thinks that if I was normal…” I chose my words a bit carefully at this point, mainly for Ethan’s sake. “...we would have lasted longer. My anxiety makes me believe that the way I am was too much for him. And honestly, I don’t really blame him. I have too much on my plate. I’m too sick and unstable. I can’t have another person put up with me again.”

 

He didn’t even hesitate. “If you’re trying to say that I won’t be able to ‘handle’ you or that I won’t be able to give you what you need, then you’re seriously underestimating me.”

 

_ Why does he make it so fucking hard? _

 

“I… we can’t,” I repeated. “I don’t think I can handle another relationship.”

 

“Then, I’ll wait. I can--”

 

I couldn’t hold back anymore. “I tried to kill myself when Mark left.”

 

Now Ethan didn’t know what to say. Then again, I didn’t know what to expect. I had never told anyone before.

 

“The day after we broke up,” I continued, slowly losing control of what I was saying, “I decided to die, and I guess I was very loud about it because my neighbor is the one that called the ambulance.”

 

“You don’t have to tell me,” Ethan softly mumbled, but I ignored him.

 

“And because I have no family or close friends - besides Jack, who was far away at the time - they called Mark. He was my only emergency contact. So he stayed with me at the hospital and then stayed at my house a few days after until I was stable again. And then I made him not tell anyone what happened.  _ That’s  _ how fucked up I am, Ethan. I was dependent on him, I made him my last shred of sanity. It wasn’t my family’s rejection that made me suicidal, or the crippling depression, or the frequent biphobia, or the anxiety… it was a stupid break up that pushed me over the edge.”

 

He was still quiet. He was biting his nails.

 

The traffic was beginning to let up. I kept my eyes on the road; it forced me to not look at him. I couldn’t make myself say anything more.

 

It hurt, having to bring up the one thing I swore I’d never speak of. I’d probably regret it later on, but it felt like the thing to do. I had to show Ethan exactly what he was signing up for, and then refuse to let him go any further. I hated it because I did like him, I liked him a lot, but I couldn’t put him through what I put Mark through. It was just another abandonment waiting to happen. I wasn’t over Mark either, like Ethan said. At this moment in time, I’d only be with him to get over my ex, and that wasn’t fair to anyone.

 

He decided to speak again when we were close to the ex’s office.

 

“I’m sorry that that happened to you. I didn’t know it got that far, but… it doesn’t change anything. Look, you’re still here…” He paused. “And Mark is still with Amy. And life is still going on. And I still feel the same about you... You’re doing the best you can, Bella. You’re making do with what you have, and that’s progress. I understand why you don’t want another relationship, but I don’t want you to feel alone, either.”

 

_ Fuck him and his sweet fucking heart. _

 

He couldn’t possibly still want to be around me, could he? Or was he just pulling the pity friend card? I was torn between hugging him and shoving him out of my car.

 

“You don’t need to say anything,” Ethan said when we were closer to the office. “I know you have Jack, but I’m here for you, too. And just so you know, I have ADHD, so I kind of know how you feel with mental illness. You’re not alone by any means.”

 

I pulled over some ways before the building, like always. I stayed quiet and refused to look at him, despite that last bit of information he gave.

 

~

 

On any other day, I’d feel a sense of relief whenever Jack got home from recording. Today, my stomach flipped over and over, and I just wanted to cry. I tried to keep myself steady, I didn’t want any of this to spill out the way it did with Ethan. I stayed standing in front of my bedroom door, ready to go out and greet my friend and tell him what I had done over the summer.

 

When I finally opened the door, I found Jack plopped down on the couch. This was the moment of truth.

 

“Hey, Baller,” he greeted, not looking at me as he turned on the TV. “How was the drive with E-tan?”

 

I sat down next to him and sighed. “He confessed, and I rejected him.”

 

Jack sat up, looking at me in shock. “No, Bella! Why?”

 

Getting there. “I’m just not over what happened with Mark,” I replied. “I don’t think I can trust someone enough to not do what he did.”

 

“But I thought you liked him!”

 

I hesitated. “I can’t… I just can’t let someone in. I can’t let another person see all of this-” I gestured around myself “-and believe that they won’t leave me.”

 

“Bella,” Jack said, “if that person, if  _ Ethan  _ really, honestly cares about you, he won’t leave. What did he say when you rejected him?”

 

Mark cared about me. Look what happened.

 

“He was persistent. So I tried to…” Here it comes. The actual moment of truth. “I-I told him something terrible about me to get him to not like me.” The lump was rising in my throat. I wanted to be sick.

 

Now Jack looked confused. “Why would you do that?”

 

“I…” I sighed, tapping my leg. “I don’t want him to like me… I’d just date him for the wrong reasons. And if I ever do date him, I don’t want to be thinking about my ex the whole time. So, out of pure impulse, I told him that I did something awful.”

 

The tense silence told me how much Jack was wracking his brains trying to figure out what I did. I felt like it was obvious, given my state of mind for the last few months, but I guess I had to tell him.

 

“What is this terrible thing you did?” he asked softly, and that made me tear up.

 

“I… I tried to kill myself,” I admitted, my voice cracking. I looked down at my lap, unable to look at my friend. “W-When Mark b-broke up with me… I…” I lifted up my sweater sleeve, showing Jack the pinkish white scars on my wrists. “And there’s more on my stomach and my thighs.”

 

He didn’t say anything at first, which made me look at him, but only for a second. HIs brows furrowed, and his eyes read… something. “Bella…” He sat back, still looking like he was wracking his brains. “God, Bella… Why, why didn’t you tell me? Why am I just finding out about this? Wh-When did this happen? Who else knows?”

 

Questions I could answer, yet I found myself not knowing what to say. 

 

“Bella, answer me,” he deadpanned.

 

“I… I don’t know. I didn’t know how to tell you, and I asked Mark not to tell anyone.”

 

“Wait, Mark knew about this? And this was after he broke up with you?”

 

“He was my only emergency contact… the people at the hospital contacted him, not me. I’m surprised he didn’t tell anyone when I was down under. And even then.”

 

Jack was silent, a series of emotions running over his face. Then he got up and began to pace. “I… are you okay now?”

 

“Yes, I promise.”

 

He paced some more, rubbing his hands together. “I didn’t… I didn’t know it had gotten so bad. Did you tell anyone you were feeling like that?”

 

I shook my head. This was where the guilt started to kick in.

 

“You didn’t think to call me?” he asked in disbelief, almost like he was hurt.

 

“No,” I said. “Or, yes. Yes, I did. But I couldn’t do it.” I wiped my face with my sleeve. “I just… at that moment, I just wanted to die. I wanted everything to be over. And I knew, if I had called you, even to say goodbye…”

 

“I would have talked you down,” Jack finished.  _ “Of fucking course _ I would have talked you down. I would have stayed on the phone with you all day and night. I would have gotten you help!” His voice rose with every word.

 

“But I didn’t want that,” I told him softly. “I just wanted to die. I felt like I had nothing left.”

 

“You  _ always  _ have something left, Bella!” Jack nearly yelled if I hadn’t flinched. “It doesn’t matter how big or small it is, you’re the one who constantly says that!” His voice had finally cracked and he paused.

 

“I know that now… I don’t want to die. I don’t feel that way anymore…” Figured, since we’re being honest, “...at least not actively.”

 

Jack let out a spiteful laugh mixed with a sob. “That’s supposed to be reassuring?”

 

“It’s a work in progress,” I explained, trying to keep my voice firm. “I’m actually telling you that my suicidal thoughts haven’t gone away completely. I’m telling you because I don’t want to drive myself to the point of acting on those thoughts again. I’m telling you because I trust you, and I believe you when you say you could have talked me down that night.” I stood up and took a step closer to him. “I don’t want to die. I have suicidal thoughts, but I don’t want to act on them.”

 

Jack looked at me for a moment, tears in his eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner then? If you trust me, why did you wait this long to tell me?”

 

I shrugged, sobs bubbling up in my throat. “I don’t know… I just wanted to die. And I didn’t want anyone to know. But I should have told you, I should have called you. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…”

 

“No, you can’t be sorry,” Jack said, his voice trembling. “I-It’s not your fault this happened… o-or that life fucked you over so bad.”

 

“But I am, though,” I told him, sniffling. “Because I feel so t-terrible about leaving you. I can’t leave you, you’re my best friend.”

 

I hugged him tight, the feeling of what could have been dawning on me. Jack held me just as tightly, his body shaking slightly. If there was a person I was glad to be alive for, it was Jack.

 

He pulled back and opened his mouth like he was going to say something. But he looked me in the eyes and teared up again. He held up a finger, but his voice was trembling so much.   
  


“I-If you e-ever d-do anything l-l-like that again...” he managed to get out.

 

“I won’t,” I said softly. “I-I don’t want to die…”

 

Jack sighed, calming himself down. “God, Bellers. And you told Ethan this?”

 

I nodded, feeling stupid about it now. “I didn’t mean to, it just came out.”

 

“What did he say?”

 

I hesitated, feeling enough emotions as it is. “That it didn’t change anything. He still likes me, he’ll wait... he wants to be there for me.”

 

“Well, what did you expect?” Jack asked, wiping his cheek with the back of his hand. “He’s not an asshole!”

 

It was true, and it made me cry again. “I’m too broken for him! Look at him, he’s only twenty and he’s doing exactly what he wants in life! He’s happy, and I’m only going to weigh him down! I’m gonna be too much for him to handle, and then he’s going to leave me for someone else!”

 

“You don’t know that,” Jack told me, placing his hands on my cheeks. “And yes, you’ve had a lot of bad shit happen to you, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love. You don’t get to decide who can handle you. I know Ethan, I know he’s got good intentions. Do whatever you want in terms of relationships, but don’t cut him off just because he likes you.”

 

He kissed my forehead and let me go.

 

“I made a mistake, didn’t I?” I asked.

 

Jack shrugged. “That’s up to you.”


	7. december pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella’s song choice: Can’t Help Falling in Love by Elvis Presley, When by dodie

Car rides would have been more silent and painful if Jack wasn’t there for most of them. Over the next week, he kept the conversation going with Ethan whenever I went to pick them up from school. I was actually surprised Ethan still wanted to ride with me. It was excruciating.

 

His kindness never faltered, and he still thanked me for every ride. He still acknowledged my existence, and it killed me. I’d rather he cut me off completely and be angry at me. That’s what I deserved. Maybe he just continued to make me drive him to my ex-boyfriend’s place because it made me think of said ex and it made me sad. He had to be taking some kind of petty revenge, right?

 

I was glad when the weekend came. Ethan’s kindness was suffocating, and I needed a break from it. I spent that Saturday in my room, planning to recover and mentally prepare for the next week. It wasn’t long until the semester ended, but knowing how time went when there was tension in the air… Yeah, I was dreading it.

 

Jack was in the living room for a majority of the day, unusually silent. It wasn’t until I had woken up from my fourth nap of the day did I realize he hadn’t told me what that mysterious phone call from last week was about. Then I started to feel bad for not being there for him, and that’s what made me properly get out of bed.

 

“Hey,” I said as I opened my bedroom door.

 

He was on the couch, TV on, and his laptop in use. He perked up when he saw me. “You’re ali- awake!”

 

I nodded and went to sit with him. “Doing okay?”

 

He paused for half a second. “Yeah.”

 

“Even after that phone call you never told me about?”

 

Another pause. Then he closed his laptop and put it on the table. “Signe wants to try to work things out.”

 

“That’s good, isn’t it?” I asked.

 

“She forgets about me for four months and then decides to talk to me again out of nowhere,” he said with a shrug. “I mean, I still want to try, but I’m not sure if I should go back.”

 

“You should,” I told him. “You said you were willing to do anything to make it work. What’s stopping you?”

 

Jack’s tone suddenly turned serious. “Bella. You tried to kill yourself. I can’t leave you like this.”

 

No. Hell no.  _ Jamás. _

 

“I’m fine!” I told him, my voice going up an octave. “That was months ago! No, no, you are not going to tell you ex-girlfriend that you’re staying here because of another girl! You have to go to her!”

 

“I can’t leave you by yourself!” Jack argued. “Do you know what I feel when I’m away on campus? Or when you take too long to pick me up? Or when you sleep longer than usual?”

 

This is why I never wanted to tell anyone.

 

“And it’s not only that,” he continued. “It’s almost Christmas, and I know you don’t have anyone-”

 

“I don’t celebrate Christmas!” I told him. “I don’t care about the holidays! Don’t worry about me and my crap! I care about you, and you’re not about to throw away the one chance you have to make things right with the girl you love!”

 

Jack hesitated. Why was he hesitating?

 

“I’ll make friends with Ethan!” I said impulsively. “That way, when you go to Ireland, I won’t be entirely alone!”

 

“Okay,” he agreed.

 

“I’ll be okay,” I reassured. “Worry about yourself.”

 

“Alright,” he said, sitting back. “I trust you. Now, speaking of your new friend, he’s streaming for charity right now, so let’s watch.”

 

It was a quick change in topic, but I was glad to drift away from my stupid mental health problems. Now I could focus on my stupid boy problems. Jack connected his laptop to the TV and put on Twitch. My stomach turned over when Ethan popped up on the screen.

 

_ “...but first! Just a little hug from me to you…” _ he said as he leaned towards to camera to “hug” the audience.  _ “I love you guys so much- Oh my door’s not closed completely! I don’t trust Tyler!” _

 

“Tyler’s there?” I wondered.

 

“They live together,” Jack told me. “Kathryn is there too, and so is Chica.”

 

“Oohh.”

 

“Anyway, I’m ordering pizza,” he announced as he got up from the couch.

 

“Good idea,” I hummed, keeping my eyes on the screen.

 

I wanted to text the boy (we have each other’s numbers now - another result of his suffocating kindness) and let him know I was watching, but it felt risky. I couldn’t help but wonder how it would look in the eyes of the people watching the stream. Even after a couple of weeks, I was still put on blast for my angry Thanksgiving tweets. Imagine how bad it would look to see Markiplier’s ex-girlfriend probably hitting on his editor in the middle of a charity stream. I already looked bad enough.

 

Jack happily donated to the cause later on in the day, and he also tweeted out the stream to get more people involved. I wished I could do that easily without even thinking about it. I opened up the website to donate, only to close it every hour or so. I did, however, buy a charity shirt, since Ethan wouldn’t read out the purchases on those. 

 

“How much are you going to donate?” Jack asked me. “Or,  _ when  _ you decide to donate?”

 

“Is a hundred too generous?” I asked in return.

 

“No, it’s perfect!”

 

I had the website open again, my thumb over the donate button. I was debating using a different name, but I wanted him to know that I was watching and supporting him. But I closed the page in the end.  _ “Al rato.” _

 

“Do you need me to push the button for you?” Jack asked me, amused.

 

I shook my head. “I’ll do it at one point. I will do it.” I put my phone down for one second but then frantically picked it up again. “No, I’ll do it now, I’ll get it out of the way!”

 

Same process. Opened the page, entered my donation amount, and hesitated. Right before Jack could urge me to push it, I did the deed. My heart was pounding unnecessarily fast, and the pizza I had was threatening to spill over. I tried to slow my breathing. I wasn't sure if this was good or bad.

 

_ “Aw, my friend Bella donated a hundred dollars!”  _ Ethan spoke on the screen. He was smiling from ear to ear, to my surprise.  _ “Thank you so much, Bella!”  _ For a second, he just sat there, grinning, not helping my pounding heart.

 

Jack nudged my side, looking ecstatic. “Look at him! Look at him! You made his night!”

 

I sighed heavily, calming my nerves. “Do you think he’s still mad at me?”

 

“I don’t think he was ever mad at you,” he told me. “He’s understanding. And besides, you didn’t tell him you would  _ never  _ go out with him.”

 

“But he knows what I’ve done,” I said nervously. “He got the tip of the iceberg. What if I tell him everything that’s happened to me and he just leaves? Or worse, I guilt him into staying with me because of all that’s happened to me?”

 

“But what if he stays  _ because he cares?”  _ Jack told me. “This could go one of two ways. And again, Ethan’s not an asshole. So the odds are in your favor.”

 

I didn’t say anything else as the stream continued. Ethan had just come back from a break and was now holding up a ukulele, and that nearly made my heart stop. The boy makes my heart race and stop at the same time, that’s when you know you got it bad.

 

_ “One thing you guys fucking wanted real bad was for me to sing!”  _ he explained.  _ “So I’m gonna sing... I don’t know what to sing, so why don’t you guys give me some requests?” _

 

“He fucking sings?” I asked in shock.

 

“Apparently,” Jack replied.

 

_ “Oh! The first one was  _ Can’t Help Falling in Love  _ which is a song that I… love,”  _ Ethan spoke, reading the chat. “Anal Beads  _ by Filthy Frank! Let’s start with a jokey-joke song so I can, uh, warm myself up!” _

 

“Nooo, the other one!” I exclaimed.  _ “Ay no, me va a dar algo.” _

 

He spent some time trying to figure out the chords, but when he sang, I couldn’t help but smile. Jack giggled next to me, finding the lyrics amusing. I mean, they were, but I was feeling other emotions.

 

“I’ve never been more attracted to someone singing about anal beads,” I spoke after Ethan finished.

 

That made Jack laugh. “Aw, you got it real bad!”

 

“Jesus Christ, I do.”

 

I found myself growing even more smitten just through Ethan’s singing. My cold, dead heart was swelling with warmth. It was absolutely disgusting, but a definite change to my general state of mind. He sang the line “fuck these bitches” and my heart went soaring. Several things were happening to my heart that didn’t have to do with anxiety for a change. When was the last time I felt this?

 

He muted his audio for a second, sang to himself, and then unmuted.  _ “Okay. I just wanted to make sure I can kinda sing this.”  _ Then he played the chords, and I was about to melt into a puddle of mushy, fluffy feelings at the sound.

 

I didn’t know how to express myself without placing my hands over my face and letting out an exasperated noise. Is this how the fangirls do it? I just wanted to curl up and hug… well, him.

 

_ “Wise men say only fools rush in _

_ But I can’t help falling in love with you _

_ Shall I stay, would it be a sin _

_ If I can’t help falling in love with you” _

 

Despite his slip ups, and the moment he got lost reading a chords, I couldn’t think that it was anything less than perfect. A huge smile was growing on my face, and I found myself free falling. All it took was for this guy to sing and I was absolutely done for.

 

“I bet he sang that for you,” Jack said after that song was done.

 

“No,” I said back, my mushy feelings suddenly turning to lead. “Why would he? What?”

 

“I’m kidding,” he quickly added. “Down, girl. Falling in love is a little much right now, isn’t it?”

 

“Definitely.”

 

Even though I had come to terms with my feelings for Ethan, I found myself talking it down. I came with too much baggage. He was young; His life was getting started. He worked for my ex, and was friends with my ex’s girlfriend. I would just make things awkward if I hadn’t already. I would hold him back with my problems. It couldn’t happen.

 

He ended the stream by eating a habanero pepper. It was funny to see him just sit there chewing while tears streamed down his face, but my heart had gone from soaring to sinking. I wasn’t going to be able to share small moments like that with him. I wouldn’t be able to tweet out a blue heart for support. I wouldn’t be watching him from behind the camera. I was right to reject him.

 

“So,” Jack spoke up, “you’d be okay if I left right after the semester’s done?”

 

“Yes,” I replied, even though I was probably lying through my goddamn teeth.

 

“And you’re gonna be friends with Ethan?”

 

“Yes.” Despite the pain.

 

“Alright.” Jack paused. “You should text him.”

 

I looked at him, stunned. “What, now?”

 

“Yes! You donated to the stream, he acknowledged you! He sang! You sing! You guys have things to talk about!”

 

Jack was right. I had plenty of things to say to Ethan. There was so much we could talk about, but I was stuck. I wanted to talk to him, but  _ anxiety. _

 

“Imma need some liquid courage,” I said.

 

Within a few minutes, Jack had gone down to the corner store down the street from the apartment. He returned with a bottle of Jameson, and in the meantime, I was shaking while typing out a text to Ethan.

 

“I’ll get shot glasses!” Jack announced upon entering the apartment.

 

“I need it now!” I practically snapped.

 

He quickly rushed over with a brown paper bag and two shot glasses. “Okay, I’m here! Let’s do this!”

 

We sat on the floor in front of the coffee table. I was looking over my text while Jack poured us our first shots of the night. I felt a bit of relief and euphoria as the tiny glass was passed over to me, though. I could do this.

 

“Cheers,” Jack said before tipping his glass.

 

I sent my text and then drained my shot. Whiskey was absolutely disgusting, but it was going to hit me good. I needed this.

 

“What did you tell him?” he asked.

 

“‘Great stream! You took that habanero like a champ!’” I read off my phone.

 

“Sounds good! Let's see if he replies!”

 

However, the more time went by without a response, the more anxious I got. What was Ethan doing? Did the habanero pepper get him so bad he had to dash to the bathroom?

 

“What's taking him so long?” I wondered as I tapped my fingers on the table.

 

“He did say his asshole was gonna bleed,” Jack said, shrugging.

 

“God, what is it with white people being unable to handle spicy food?”

 

And that's how Jack and I made a bet to pass the time. Whoever cries first after eating a pepper has to chug the Jameson for five seconds. Jack went to the kitchen to grab peppers from the fridge (salsa made from habaneros was my favorite) and then joined me again on the floor.

 

“I thought this shit only happened in videos,” he said, picking off the stem from his pepper.

 

“When YouTube becomes reality,” I joked.

 

We “clinked” our peppers and chowed down. You could say that I fit the “Mexicans love spicy food” stereotype, and I would completely agree with you. I mean, I never ate a plain pepper like I was now, but I enjoyed it. My mouth did burn, but it wasn't enough to make me cry or breathe heavily. It didn't make me contort my face either, like it did to Jack.

 

“I'm not crying!” he struggled to get out. He sucked in a breath. “Fuck!”

 

“Well, it definitely hurts,” I said normally, sitting back.

 

Jack looked at me in shock. “Are you fucking serious?”

 

I nodded. “It's tasty.”

 

“What the  _ fuck?” _

 

I giggled. “Here, wash it down with this.” I slid the Jameson over to him.

 

“Like shit I'll do that!” He got up and dashed to the kitchen.

 

While he went to grab the milk, I poured myself another shot. But then my phone buzzed and lit up on the table, and I nearly screamed out.

 

_ “¡Respondió el gringo!”  _ I exclaimed.

 

“What?” Jack yelled from the fridge.

 

“He said ‘my stomach hates me!’” I said like it was the best news I've ever heard. My phone then buzzed again and I was about to burst.

 

_ “Thanks for donating! And for watching! It means a lot :)” _

 

_ “¿Que me has hecho?”  _ I wondered, breathing heavily from both the emotions and the habanero. I took my next shot.

 

“Oh no!” Jack yelled as he came back. He was wiping at his eyes with his free hand, a gallon of milk in the other.

 

I looked at him, happy to see tears streaming down his face. Smug, I took the gallon of milk from his hand and replaced it with the Jameson. “Five seconds. Go.”

 

Jack looked at me and sniffed. Then he brought the bottle to his lips. I counted out loud to five as he chugged the whiskey. He put it down on the table after, his face scrunched up from the combination of the alcohol and the pepper.

 

“Oh god, that’s gonna fuck me up tomorrow,” he said, burping right after.

 

I smiled wide. “Excellent.”

 

My fingers were far less shaky and a little more slippery as I typed on my phone.  _ “I dindt know u played an insteument ! or sang!!”  _ I didn’t even hesitate to send it.

 

“How are you not dying?” wondered Jack as he reached for the milk again. “You’re not even reacting to the fucking pepper!”

 

“It’s because I’m so dead inside,” I told him. Then, I chuckled as a thought resurfaced. “Have you ever seen that one video of Mark’s where he tried that hot sauce that came in a coffin?”

 

“I think so.”

 

I sat up, ready to tell my story. “Okay, so after he recorded that video, I went to his house, right? He cooks, says he found this sauce he wanted me to try. He didn’t tell me it was hot sauce, or that it was  _ five million Scovilles.” _

 

“Oh god. And what happened?”

 

“It was good! And he got mad because I didn’t burst into flames right then and there!”

 

Jack laughed. “No way. A five million Scoville sauce and you didn’t budge?”

 

“I drank it straight from the bottle too! I mean, it hurt a little bit, but I wasn’t sure what he was expecting!” I giggled.

 

“You really are dead inside.” Jack poked my cheek, the whiskey hitting him now.

 

~

 

The night went on, we stayed in the living room. We talked, we danced, and we ordered more pizza. We somehow finished up the bottle of Jameson, and the food helped bring down the buzz. I felt warm and sleepy, lying facedown on the couch, while Jack still sat on the floor.

 

“I thought you didn’t like getting drunk,” I said to him, brushing the back of his head with my elbow.

 

“I don’t,” he replied. “But with everything that’s happened lately, I think I needed this.”

 

“Hmm, same. I mean, if I didn’t have this ugly disorder, I’d probably be a slut. Living that slut life, filling that void with sexy times. Know what I mean?”

 

“Yeah,” Jack replied, nodding like he was deep in thought. “I miss the sexy times.”

 

I craned my head so I was next to his. “When was the last time you got laid?”

 

He turned to me, our faces inches apart. “Where’s this going, Bellers?”

 

“I just asked a question… Jackers.”

 

He tilted his head back so it was on the cushion. “Uh… In the summer, I think? When I got back from YTU… yeah, that sounds right.”

 

“How was she?”

 

“Oh no,” Jack said, shifting so he was facing me. “Now you have to tell me. When did you last get laid?” He grinned wickedly.

 

I shoved my face into the cushion, groaning audibly.

 

“Come on,” he teased, poking my arm. “When was the last time you and Mark did the dirty?”

 

I looked up suddenly, staring my friend in the eyes. “Never.”

 

“You guys never fucked?”

 

“No wonder he left, right?”

 

Jack suddenly grabbed my arm and waved a finger in my face. “Hey! You are a fuckin’ delight, and Mark was lucky to have you! You don’t need to expose yourself to nobody, girl!” His voice was very slurred, it was almost comical.

 

“Well, anytime his hands went under my clothes, my fucking anxiety fucked me instead,” I told him with a sigh. “I never rode the Dickiplier.”

 

Jack laughed unnecessarily loud. “Dickiplier… man, that sucks. So when was the last time?”

 

“With my ex-girlfriend, I think. It was like… two or three years ago.”

 

“Shit… how was that?”

 

“Man, you know what it’s like to fuck a girl!”

 

Jack hummed. “Hey, why haven’t we slept together?”

 

“Because I’m your friend’s ex, your other friend is into me and vice versa, and I have ugly disorders and a lot of trauma that gave me intimacy issues. And trust issues. And anxiety issues.”

 

“Oh! Speaking of the other friend, what has he said to you?”

 

I pushed myself up on my elbows, looking around the room. “Where’s my phone?”

 

“In your hand, dumbass.”

 

He was right. I sat up on my knees, pausing momentarily as a wave of dizziness hit me. Then, I unlocked my phone, finding a series of keyboard smashes from Ethan. We had been talking on and off all night, so this was a random occurrence. Before I could asked what the fuck was going on, he sent another text.

 

_ “Aaah, sorry! Chica stepped on my phone!” _

 

I aww’d out loud, feeling a pang of emotion. I tried to type back what seemed like a normal response. Autocorrect was my best friend in this situation.

 

_ “Aww she wanted to talk to me :( I miss her so much :(( send me pics of her :((((“ _

 

He replied quickly:  _ “Oh I see how it is. You’re using me to get to Chica. Okay.” _

 

“Ah,  _ mierda,  _ he fucking hates me now,” I said before my phone buzzed again.

 

_ “Just kidding :) hang on.” _

 

“Should I call Signe?” Jack wondered.

 

“Yeah man,” I said. “The world is your oyster. You should-” I cut myself off and gasped at the series of pictures being sent to me.

 

“What happened? Get a dick pic?”

 

I showed him the pictures of my ex boyfriend’s dog with the guy I now wanted to be my boyfriend.  _ “¡Que preciosos!  _ I can’t!”

 

“Aww, adorable,” Jack said.

 

Tears started welling in my eyes as I typed back.  _ “Two cuties!! My cold ass haeart can’t handle it!!!” _

 

“You crying, Baller?”

 

“I miss Chica so much… she’s so cute… and so is Ethan…”

 

Jack came over and sat next to me, cradling me in his ars. I wasn’t sure why I was crying, but it happened.

 

~

 

The next day was spent in the bathroom. I couldn’t even be preoccupied with what I said or did the previous night because my asshole was on fire. No more whiskey with habanero peppers.

 

The day after that, though, I jumped at every sound my phone made. Most times, it was just a Twitter notification or an email. I was brave enough to look through my text messages, nor to text Ethan again. I had to make peace with the fact that I would never properly interact with him again. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes when I picked up him and Jack that evening.

 

“So was how was your guys’s weekend?” he asked.

 

Can’t remember part of it, and I’d rather not talk about the rest of it. But thanks for asking.

 

“We watched your stream on Saturday,” Jack answered. “Then we got sick the next day. Coincidence?”

 

I laughed softly, taking off some nerves.

 

“Yeah, well…” Ethan tried to make up a comeback, but then changed the subject. “So… what’d you guys get sick with?”

 

I certainly wasn’t going to admit to getting hammered and eating a spicy pepper. Jack, however, didn’t mind talking about it.

 

“You habanero performance was inspiring,” he said. “Me and Bella made a bet to see who could eat one without crying. And, um,  _ obviously  _ I won because  _ I’m  _ the man…”

 

“You bitch ass liar!” I snapped. “You lasted like twenty seconds!”

 

“Are we still talking about the habaneros?” Ethan asked, giggling.

 

That made Jack throw his head back with laughter while I blushed a deep red. First of all, I had never said anything mildly resembling an innuendo in front of Ethan. Second of all, that innuendo made me think of the ‘sexy times’ conversation I had with Jack. We went over  _ everything.  _ We might as well have fucked.

 

“Okay, but for real!” I said. “Habaneros aren’t that bad! Y’all are weak!”

 

“Or you’re too dead inside, like you said,” Jack pointed out.

 

“That too!”

 

Thankfully, the conversation transitioned to something else, so neither me nor Jack admitted to being drunk while all that happened. It was probably better that way.

 

Ethan thanked me when I dropped him off, and for a change, things didn’t feel as tense. My rejection still felt like the elephant in the room, though.

 

“So when are you guys going out?” Jack asked me as soon as he was gone.

 

I shrugged. “You know I can’t be the one to initiate that.”

 

“I leave this week, Bella.”

 

“You said be friends with him, not marry him!”

 

“Well, when are you going to have alone time with him?”

 

This felt suffocating. “I don’t know! Last time I was alone with him, I broke his heart! I mean, at least there’s no silence between us!”

 

It was true. As soon as I got home, I received a text message. I didn’t really say anything to Jack, having gotten mildly irritated at his persistence in the car. I went to my room, opening the text embarrassingly fast.

 

_ “Hey, I was wondering, can I come over to your place tomorrow?” _

 

Oh. What did this mean? Why specifically my place? Why not a restaurant, like The Tube? Wait no, that would just add more anxiety to the situation. But my house seemed a little… intimate. Intimate, not exactly comfortable, but less anxiety inducing.

 

_ “Sure!”  _ I replied.  _ “Do you want me to pick you up?” _

 

_ “No, I’ll go to you! See you then!” _

 

...Okay then.

 

Clearly, I wasn’t going to sleep. He was so quick to end the conversation. What could he possibly want? What would we be doing? What did he want from me?

 

Eventually, I got out of bed. It was half past one, and I was restless. Time had flown, but at the same time, it felt like it was going too slow. I grabbed my laptop, my headphones and opened up Spotify.

 

I didn’t find all the Dodie songs that Ethan had suggested, but I listened to a few.  _ Absolutely Smitten:  _ more like absolutely cheesy. It was too happy, and it made me think of him.  _ Intertwined:  _ calm, soft, simple. Cringey. But still nice.  _ When:  _ the piano intro immediately gave me that crying sting in my throat. Oh no, she wrote a good song.

 

_ “Am I the only one wishing life away? _

_ Never caught up in the moment, _

_ Busy begging the past to stay” _

 

I wanted to hate Ethan for giving me something so powerful and real, but I also wanted to thank him. As much as the lyrics tore my heart out and made me cry, they were my absolute favorites. I was a sucker for heart wrenching lyrics. I wondered how this song made him feel.

 

_ “I’ve got to get it in my head, I’ll never be sixteen again” _

 

My hands wiped at my eyes. I hadn’t taken off my makeup yet. There was black everywhere. Sure felt like I was sixteen again…

 

After composing myself, I left my room. The living room was dark and empty; I strolled over to Jack’s room and knocked when I saw light peering through the cracks.

 

“Yeah!” he called, granting access.

 

I opened the door and saw him sitting on the bed, laptop open and a notebook in his lap. I stepped inside wordlessly and lied down in the space beside him.

 

“I don’t like Dodie,” I spoke mindlessly.

 

“Oh?” he replied, still scribbling things in his book.

 

“Like, her lyrics are okay - amazing, actually - but her voice sends gross shivers down my spine,” I explained. “She’s very…  _ soft.  _ Very Tumblr. Feels weird. I can’t handle the softness.”

 

Jack chuckled. “Is that what you’re going to tell Ethan?”

 

I scoffed. “Of course not, I want him to like me. So what are you up to?”

 

“Studying. I have three finals tomorrow. I can’t believe it’s already gonna be over. So much has happened.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

We’ve been living together for the last few months, but it felt like we’ve lived separate lives. Jack hit several milestones since moving back here. Twelve million subscribers, a diamond play button,  _ thirteen  _ million subscribers.  _ Scare PewDiePie 2,  _ Antisepticeye success. He got so much done, and I was proud of him.

 

What did I do? I didn’t die. Is that something to be proud of?

 

“Are you coming back in the spring?” I asked him. Now that we were here, I wasn’t really looking forward to being by myself again.

 

“Of course! Keep this bed warm for me,” he told me. “What about you? You said you’d go back to YTU in the spring.”

 

“I’ll take a class or two I suppose.” It’ll give me some purpose. Maybe I’ll feel less useless too.

 

“Nice! Are you gonna sleep here?” Jack asked me.

 

“Do you mind?”

 

“Not at all.”


	8. december pt. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella's song choice: No More Sad Songs by Little Mix

I woke up the next morning to the sound of my own snoring. I turned over in the bed, nearly forgetting that I slept in Jack’s room. I sat up, realizing that the green man was nowhere to be seen. When I pulled up my phone to check the time, I saw at text from him.

 

_ “Didn’t want to wake you, so I took the bus to school! I’ll text you when I’m out!” _

 

Thoughtful.

 

It was half past eleven. I actually managed to sleep without waking up throughout the night, a rare occurrence. It’s even more rare when I know I have a guest coming over the next day. I rolled out of bed, knowing that he was going to show up at one point or another. I put my unwashed hair in a ponytail, then I did my makeup. Sure, Ethan and I would be hanging out here, but I wanted to look nice regardless.

 

Although, in the middle of my routine, it occurred to me that Ethan never specifically said what time he would be showing up. All he said was that he was going to be coming over. I contoured stressfully. I highlighted urgently. I had to skip winged eyeliner because my hands started shaking. By the time I finished, I heard a knock on the door. I almost relaxed, until I remembered that Jack wasn’t here to answer the door for me.

 

_ It’s not Ethan,  _ a voice in my head warned.  _ You’re probably getting evicted. Or it’s the scary mailman. Or maybe it’s a stalker. _

 

I slowed my steps to the door, my heart palpitating. Just before I could panic, my phone buzzed in my hand. I sighed when Ethan confirmed through text that he was at the door. I had kept him waiting for a bit while I had that internal crisis. Oops.

 

When I opened the door, I didn’t expect to be greeted by a dog. Specifically, Chica. I gasped in shock, which made Ethan smile and Chica wag her tail.

 

“Beeka!” I exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”

 

I stepped aside to let them in, and then I attacked Chica with cuddles. I was so pleasantly surprised to see her after so long, I could have bawled my eyes out. I didn’t even care that she licked my face just after doing my makeup, I was completely over the moon.

 

“I heard somewhere that you missed her,” Ethan explained as he squatted to our level on the floor. “And she missed you too.”

 

“Aww,” I cooed, hugging the sweet dog. “I can’t believe you did this!”

 

As happy as I was too see her again, a certain thought plagued the back of my head. It was enough to make my heightened mood falter a little bit.

 

“Does Mark know… does he know where you took his child?” I asked.

 

Ethan hesitated, which only worsened my mood. “I'm supposed to take her to the field at YTU for a walk. And he's supposed to meet me there later.”

 

“Ethan,” I said urgently.

 

“And that's why,” he continued, “I came here first. I wanted to see if you wanted to come with me.”

 

“That would require having to see Mark,” I pointed out. That also brought forth the fact that I was still salty with my ex-boyfriend, which made the air a little awkward. 

 

“No,” Ethan said after the moment passed. “You don't have to stay long if you don't want to. I know things are, uh, weird with you guys. I just… I-I mean, I… I wanted to see you for a little bit. A-And so did Chica! I mean, look at her.”

 

She was on her back, her dopey face making my heart go soft. I made eye contact with Ethan, whose face also made my heart soften up.

 

“Alright, then. Do you wanna go now?”

 

Ethan's face lit up. “Yeah! I can drive!”

 

That sent my mind to dark, scary places. I was never  _ not  _ driving. How could I just… not drive?

 

“Um, how about I meet you there?” I offered. “I mean, I'm gonna have to take Jack home later, like when you're in class or something… so like…”

 

“Oh, okay. I'll, uh, see you there. You know where the field is, right?”

 

Nope. “Yeah! I'll find you guys!”

 

Thankfully, we got there around the same time, so nobody got lost. I had never been to the “football” field at YTU before, so I was having some major butterflies and chest pains. All I knew was that it was as big as a football field, despite that the university didn’t have an official team. Or any sports team, besides dance. It was a place I've never been to before with my ex-boyfriend's dog and the guy I now wanted to be my boyfriend. It was sending my anxiety down to the pits of hell.

 

There was one class out on the opposite end of the field when we got there. Despite the cold, bitter weather, my palms and the back of my neck were were sweating. But I got to hold the leash as we walked Chica, so that helped subside the general anxiety. 

 

“Do you like the campus?” I asked, my voice shaking slightly.

 

“Yeah, it's amazing,” Ethan replied. “Now I know where all our pay cuts went to.”

 

I chuckled. “Well, you're not wrong.”

 

“I really wanted to get a dorm here, but I guess if you can't afford a single one then you're randomly assigned a roommate,” he explained. “And I really didn't want that.”

 

“Oh yeah, I know what you mean. That's what made me get my own apartment.”

 

We talked while walking around the field. Things got easier the longer we were there. The butterflies came and went, making me unable to tell if it was the normal butterflies or not.

 

“I still can’t believe you snuck her to my house,” I said, looking down at Chica.

 

“Well, you told me you missed her,” Ethan said, “and I just assumed you’d want to see her again… without having to see Mark.”

 

Considerate.

 

“That would be correct. Drunk Bella did one good thing for me.”

 

He chuckled. “When were you drunk?”

 

I hesitated. I didn’t want him to think I was some raging alcoholic, or that I was out partying every weekend. Oh god, this was bad. I couldn’t lie to him.

 

“Come on, what were you doing, Bella?” he playfully teased, poking my shoulder.

 

“Um… when we were talking after your stream on Saturday,” I admitted. “Had some whiskey. It was…  _ lit.” _

 

“Was this the same night you and Jack ate those peppers?”

 

Oh god, he thinks I’m dating Jack. No, no, I’m single and sad even though I didn’t want to be.  Even though I rejected Ethan a couple of weeks back, I still wanted to date him. But he probably thought we were out here just as friends.

 

“Yeah,” I said. “Uh, you know: Just little things with your roommate.”

 

“Oh, I didn’t know you guys lived together.”

 

Well, now I’m just digging myself deeper. Now I had to use logic to calm myself down.

 

“He stays at my place during the semester,” I explained nervously. “I have an extra room… and uh, technically Mark was the one who pretty much made him stay with me.”

 

“Oh wait!” Ethan exclaimed, palming his forehead. “Jack did mention that! He told me that…” He paused, almost like he was choosing his words carefully. “He said that… Mark didn’t like you guys living together, like, while you guys were dating.”

 

I looked down at the grass, my heart palpitating at that memory. Yes,  _ palpitating.  _ Usually, I block panic attacks out of my head from how traumatic they are, but the one caused by that argument was harder to suppress. I chewed the inside of my cheek before speaking again.

 

“He got… jealous,” I told Ethan, deciding to be honest. “I don’t have many friends at all. Jack was the first friend I made in a long while, and we got close pretty fast. That happened mainly because back in like, January, Mark suggested that Jack should live with me for the semester. Then he got upset, and we argued, and I had a pretty bad panic attack. But uh, me and Jack are still friends so that’s all that matters to me.”

 

The silence between us got nerve wracking pretty quickly. Surely Ethan was going to be on Mark’s side about this. Frankly, I didn’t want to hear it.

 

“But anyway, I don’t wanna rant too much about my ex,” I said, glossing over the subject.

 

“Mark made you have a panic attack?” Ethan asked. “That’s a little fucked up.”

 

“Yeah,” I agreed. “It was shitty, but we got over it.” And then a few months later, he left me. 

 

It felt weird talking about my ex to Ethan, who now worked for him. It was even weirder now that his feelings were out and about. I had to talk about other things now, and only one particular thing came to mind.

 

“You, uh, you said you have ADHD?” I asked, hoping I didn't hit a nerve. “Or, uh, you told me you understood having a mental illness…”

 

“Yeah,” he replied, yet it didn't feel like the mood darkened. “Since I was a kid. It was pretty bad. Or, it  _ is  _ pretty bad.”

 

Is this how normal people felt when they pestered mentally ill people with invasive questions? I didn't want to be annoying, but I was curious. I wanted to know more about his condition, especially if we were eventually going to start seeing each other. I wanted to know how it would affect us, like my anxiety would.

 

“I don't wanna be nosy o-or invasive-” I began.

 

“You can ask me anything,” Ethan said.

 

I quietly sighed in relief. “So you said it  _ is  _ pretty bad. Have you never been treated for it?”

 

“Yeah, I used to be on medication when I was in high school. But the side effects changed my personality so much that it wasn't worth it for me,” he explained. “I felt like a completely different person, and I didn't like it. Now, I'm finding other ways to deal with it.”

 

I know the feeling of medication. Granted, I was only on it for six days, but I did feel plenty of drastic changes.

 

“Can I ask about your anxiety?” Ethan suddenly prompted.

 

The shift was unexpected, but I nodded. Here we go.

 

“Do specific things make you anxious?”

 

“You want a list?” I asked in response.

 

He chuckled. “Why not?”

 

Oh god, he's serious. I hesitated, trying to shake it off with a laugh. He should know, it would explain a lot of my behavior.

 

“I-It just sounds really dumb when I say any of it out loud,” I explained sheepishly.

 

“Aww no,” he consoled. “Hey, look. I have days where I can't form a coherent sentence. Sometimes I put my phone down for two minutes and I'll forget where I've put it. Sometimes I just really, really want to sleep, but my mind is so restless that it doesn't let me. And… what was I talking about?”

 

I was touched that he shared all of that so easily. I couldn't help but smile. “Specific triggers and quirks about our disorders,” I reminded him.

 

“Right…” He looked at me, returning the smile. “Now it's your turn.”

 

“Okay.” I took a deep breath. “I'm absolutely terrified of answering the phone. I exclusively text and email, or whatever doesn’t require speaking. I can't be in crowded spaces or parties, especially by myself. In class, I either sit in the back or close to the wall, and I don't know why, I just have to. And… I have a huge laundry list of triggers...”

 

“Wait, parties?” Ethan repeated. “But you went to homecoming.”

 

“Yeah, I had tequila to help me cope with that. And I don't like having to drink in order to cope with social situations, so I don't go out.”

 

He hummed. “That's why you were so talkative.”

 

I blushed at the memory, even though it was still kind of blurry. “Oh god, if I said anything too personal or embarrassing… Oh god, I'm so sorry.”

 

Ethan smiled wider. “It's okay. It was nice to talk to someone, especially because I was - or, still am - new here. It was fun.”

 

Still embarrassing. Still made me want to die inside. That was also the second time I mentioned drinking to cope, so now he definitely though I was some unstable alcoholic.

 

“Well, I'm glad my drunk self provided some entertainment for you,” I told him.

 

“Are you nervous right now?” he asked.

 

There's this weird thing where I'll be anxious about something, but I would ignore it and let it sit in the back of my head. Then, when it's pointed out, it would come back a bit more intense than it already was. So when Ethan inadvertently made me think about the bad case of nerves I was experiencing, I hesitated and looked at him with urgent eyes.

 

“That's a yes,” he assumed. “Oh no, did I do something?”

 

“No, no, no, no!” I quickly said. “No, it's not you, it's just - fuck, can we sit down?”

 

We stopped in our tracks and sat on the grass. Chica graciously lied between us, and I was even more grateful that she was here. The more I pet her and looked at her happy face, the quicker the nerves came down.

 

“Are you okay?” Ethan asked cautiously. “Do you need anything?”

 

I shook my head, trying to slow my breathing. My head was spinning. “I just, it's that… I get anxious over everything.” I started to ramble. “Like, I can't answer the phone, or the door… I can't go to the store without crying in the car for fifteen minutes before going inside. I'm nervous about every little thing, so this… it's nothing you did or said. Sometimes I can't tell what's normal nerves or irrational nerves. But, on the bright side, I'm not having a panic attack.” I said all of this very quickly and breathlessly.

 

He was nodding at every word. “Okay… so you're fine?”

 

“I will be. I'm so sorry.”

 

“It's okay, you can't really help it. Right?”

 

Exactly. I can't help it, this is just how it is. It's what we have to deal with.

 

I nodded, feeling the sense of self-loathing. I couldn't just have a simple walk with a cute guy and a cute dog, could I? “Can I ask you another question about your ADHD?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Do you ever hate it?”

 

He paused for a moment. I could tell he was looking at me, but I didn't return the gaze. “I have my moments, or days, where it really fucking sucks. I used to resent it when I was younger. But now, I think it… adds a little spark to my personality. Like, if there was a cure for it, I wouldn't take it, because it's helped shape me into who I am now. And… I like who I am.”

 

This isn't relatable anymore. In fact, I wanted to cry, but I couldn't do it in front of him. I just focused on petting Chica.

 

“I wish I could be like that,” I admitted. I could have explained more about how much I  _ hated  _ having anxiety disorder, and how much it's taken away from me. But this time with Ethan was supposed to be fun and happy, and I already ruined it.

 

Ethan was about to say something else, had he not heard his name called from a distance away. He turned, and well… I should have left a while ago. Or maybe I shouldn’t have come at all.

 

“Shit,” I whispered as I saw Mark walking towards us.

 

We both stood up, and I quickly gave the leash to Ethan. My life was flashing before my eyes, I just couldn’t look like it. My eyes stayed on the top of Chica’s head.

 

“Hey,” Ethan greeted, sounding cautious. “When did you get here?”

 

“Just now,” Mark replied. “What’s going on here? You guys know each other?”

 

“Y-Yeah. We’re friends.” He sounded nervous.

 

“I told him the other day how much I missed Chica,” I added, suddenly looking up. “He invited me out here.”

 

Mark nodded once. I could be super paranoid, but I felt bad vibes. My anxiety was suddenly replaced with defense.

 

“How long has this been going on?” he asked.

 

“‘Why? Is there a problem?” I said back.

 

He scoffed. “Well, my friend and my ex-girlfriend apparently know each other. I’m guessing you guys started talking after Ethan moved here… did no one care to think how I’d feel about that?”

 

“I’m sorry,” Ethan said, looking down.

 

My defense and anger only went up. I wanted to protect him. I glared at Mark.

 

“I hang out with Jack, are you going to yell at him again?” I asked spitefully.

 

“Well, how do you think I should react to this?” His deep voice was intimidating, but somehow I stood my ground.

 

“I think what I do in my spare time and what Ethan does in his spare time shouldn’t concern you,” I snarked.

 

Mark narrowed his eyes. “Ethan, can you take Chica to my car?”

 

He passed his keys over to the silent boy next to me. I felt awful that Mark was probably going to give him shit about this later. I wanted to protect him from that. I wanted to take all the shit for him.

 

“What are you doing, Bella?” Mark asked when Ethan was out of earshot.

 

I folded my arms and gave him a look. “Nothing. What do you think I’m doing?”

 

“I don’t know. Since when do you talk to my editor?”

 

“Since I was sitting alone at homecoming and he didn’t know anybody, so we kept each other company!” I stepped closer to Mark, holding up an angry finger. “I swear to god, if you give Ethan a hard time about this - if you start treating him the way you did to Matt and Ryan-”

 

“I’m not-”

 

“So help me god-”

 

“I’m not going to yell at him!” Mark snapped. “Just… why do you always end up taking my friends?”

 

I shrugged, still exasperated. “You’re friends with decent people! And I’m not in any place to pass of friendship right now. It’s not my fault Ethan’s a sweetheart!”

 

Mark didn’t like those words apparently. “Yeah? Are you telling him all your deep dark secrets as well?”

 

“It always goes back to that, doesn’t it?” I asked. I wanted to pull my hair out. How dare he throw that in my face.

 

“You’re not the only one who was hurting in our relationship, Bella.”

 

“Well, you dropped me unexpectedly and then found someone new, so if you wanna talk about pain…” I paused to let out a spiteful laugh. “You made me feel like everything was going to be okay. You made me feel safe and secure… so much, that I actually thought about a future with you.”

 

“You had a shitty way of showing it,” Mark said resentfully. “I was giving everything I had to be there for you. I was fighting for you, for  _ us!  _ But every time I took one step forward, you took ten steps back! Then you decided to put all of your trust into someone who wasn’t me, your boyfriend! It was like you stopped trying to trust me, so I stopped trying too.”

 

“Then you found stable little Amy,” I grumbled.

 

“Okay, you know what?” His voice raised. “Everyone’s got their problems! At least stable little Amy doesn’t sit there and play the victim! It’s a two way street, and you weren’t giving anything anymore! With or without Amy, you left me with no choice!”

 

“You don’t think I wasn’t trying?” I shot back, tears welling up in my eyes. “You were the first person who had gotten through to me in a long time, you think I didn’t appreciate that? You think I wasn’t fighting with myself not to run away? God, I  _ loved  _ you with every fiber of my being! We hit a bump in the road, it happens! We had plenty of time to grow! I had plenty of time to grow, and you knew that! At least I thought you did…”

 

Mark was shaking his head, and then he looked down. “If you had said any of this sooner… any kind of inkling that showed you were still in this… things would have been so different. Maybe we would have had our future.”

 

~

 

I thought I would have been a crying, panicky mess after that conversation. Instead, I was just… sad. We could have been together for a lot longer than nine months. I wanted that. I was so much happier with him. I had it so good, how could I just let it go?

 

Maybe I should have tried harder to fight with myself. But I still couldn’t understand why he had wanted to stay with me. Despite how painful it was, it made more logical sense in my head for Mark to leave with someone normal. Just as I had thought, he got tired of me and left.

 

Here I was now, having an interest in Ethan. Who’s to say that it won’t be the same pattern? I’ll close myself off, he’ll find someone new, and then he’ll forget about me. Having that happen once was enough to fuck me up for life. Just thinking about falling for Ethan only for him to find someone new made me want to be sick. I couldn’t have that happen to me again. Did I have to cut him off now to save us both the headache? How could I trust him?

 

Once I was home with Jack, I decided against both telling him what happened, and texting Ethan. At this point, though, Jack could tell when something was wrong. Being the friend he is, he asked what was wrong.

 

“It’s nothing,” I said. “Stupid stuff.”

 

“If it’s bothering you, it’s not stupid,” Jack told me.

 

My patience was wearing thin. “Well, I don’t wanna talk about it.”

 

“Was it Ethan? Did he do something?”

 

“Can you leave me alone?” I snapped. “I said I don’t wanna talk about it!”

 

I went to my room, trying not to feel guilty over the stunned look on his face. I just wanted to be alone, since that was how I was going to end up living my life. If I stayed alive that long, at least…

 

At one point, Ethan texted me. The plan was to ignore every interaction of his, but I grabbed my phone like it was a lifeline as soon as it dinged. It was a tough habit to break.

 

_ “Hey, Jack told me you were upset. Everything okay?” _

 

Not what I wanted to talk about. Not what I needed. Not talking to you anymore.

 

My phone dinged again.

 

_ “Did I say something wrong? Did Mark do something? I’m sorry either way.” _

 

I shoved my phone into my nightstand drawer and slammed it shut. I was so overwhelmed, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I sat on the floor and leaned against my bed, running my fingers through my hair. I was in a constant state of tension. Mark pissed me off, made me sad, and reminded me why I wasn’t meant to have anything good. Ethan, on the other hand, was pulling me out of the dark. Or, trying to. But I couldn’t let him. He deserved better than that.

 

Now he was teaming up with Jack to, what? Keep track of me? Why would they do that? Sure, I tried to commit suicide, but I was fine now! I couldn’t have them worrying about me! They didn’t deserve that, they’re better off without me.

 

Eventually, I heard a knock on my door. I didn’t answer, but Jack entered somewhat urgently anyway. I heard him sigh when he saw me sat on the floor. No,  _ mijo,  _ I’m not dead. Not physically at least.

 

“You don’t have to say anything,” he told me as he sat next to me. “I was just told that you weren’t answering your texts. I got a little worried.”

 

I sighed in return. I wasn’t going to kill myself as long as he was in my life. But I couldn’t tell him about the thoughts circling my head. I couldn’t have him worry about me just before he leaves for the holidays.

 

“I’m sorry about earlier,” I said quietly. “I didn’t mean to… be like that.”

 

“It’s okay, I didn’t mean to pry,” he said. “But whatever it was, just know you can talk to me. You can talk to me, Bella. I mean it.”

 

“I know. Thank you.” I rested my head on his shoulder.

 

~

 

As the week progressed, I signed up for spring classes. I had to remind myself of my followers, who were the reason why I decided to go to YouTube University in the first place. They got me to where I was, they helped pull me out of my dark hole at times. I had to remember them. I wasn’t completely alone.

 

There was still a part of me that felt like I wasn’t going to make it to spring time. But there was another part that had to because I signed up for classes at uni. That was a reason to hold on, right?

 

If Jack wasn’t leaving to patch things up with Signe, I’d ask him to stay with me. Or maybe, if he wasn’t leaving at all, I wouldn’t be feeling like this. I couldn’t tell if I was growing dependent on him or if I actually wanted his help. Somehow, I managed to keep on a strong face when I dropped him off at the airport that Friday, and even when I felt the crushing solitude.

 

Last time I sent him home, I didn’t feel as alone. At the time, I had Mark, and while I wasn’t exactly okay, I had a small shred of hope that I would be. I had a sense of determination. I was almost ready to overcome everything. I finally felt like I had a purpose, and he helped me see that purpose.

 

But now I was wondering why I ever felt like that in the first place. It felt like a myth, like a completely different person living a different life. It was all meant to fall apart at the end, though. Mark said he was going to leave me with or without Amy. He was probably meant to be with her, given how happy they looked, how happy  _ he  _ looked. I couldn’t have prevented that, even if I tried.

 

I wasn’t really heartbroken anymore. I wasn’t really angry either. Once I was alone in my apartment, it all just slipped away. I felt empty, and it wasn’t necessarily because of the breakup. My mind was too clogged up to pinpoint the reason for this. Usually, I would have Helena help me figure this out, but her office was closed for the holidays. To be honest, I probably wouldn’t have the energy to schedule an appointment with her.

 

By the time I plucked up the courage to talk to Ethan again, he was already leaving for the holidays. He would be in Maine for Christmas, and then return to Los Angeles for New Year’s. I asked him if Mark gave him a hard time after what happened on the field, and he said no. I figured he only said that to get me out of his hair, so I left it at that.

 

The only thing I could do to distract myself was to make videos. My makeup tutorials around this time of year were mostly dark themed. My “tradition” of coping with not having a Christmas was just to make my makeup as dark as possible. I never called it a “tradition,” though, my followers did, and they looked forward to it. I ranted about bisexual visibility or something and called it a day.

 

On Christmas Eve, I didn’t get out of bed. My mind was reliving old memories of going to my grandparents’ house and having pozole. We would open presents at midnight. I was a happy child, so I’ve been told. I couldn’t remember that feeling anymore. I couldn’t remember when my parents didn’t hate me. I could barely remember the last Christmas I had.

 

Every year since I cut off my family, I told myself I would forget about the holidays. But when it was all over the place, it was hard. It was hard to forget the people I grew up with, the people who grew to hate me. I didn’t mean to be a useless pile of crap this year, it just happened on its own.

 

Feeling useless led to feeling hopeless. Being alone gave my mind plenty of time to wander off and spiral. My hopelessness made that mind-numbing fog intensify so much that the glowing emergency exit sign shone brighter. It was the only thing I could see in this haze. Just like last time…

 

“I don’t wanna die,” I whispered, my throat sore. It was probably from the dehydration.

 

I had lost track of the days right after Christmas. All I knew was that it wasn’t the new year just yet. Jack had texted me a few times since he left, which is what made me say those words. I still had him, even if he was far away. That was a reason to stay.

 

“Can’t die,” I whispered, reaching for my phone. I unlocked it and saw the date.

 

New Year’s Eve.

 

Next thing I knew, I was popping a Xanax (or two) and texting Aria, asking about her evening plans. When she told me she was in town and planning to party the night away with Sophie, I rolled myself out of bed. I had to get ready. This was going to be the biggest distraction. Maybe I should have done this last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEW FIC: YOU LOOK HAPPIER [COMING SOON]


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